"When in Rome" (or "When around Romans")
Dharmachari
Americans are so lax, it's hard to imagine anyone has an enforceable etiquette code. But they do. In Buddhist circles, due to the Vinaya (monastic code) rules, both monks and nuns should not be touched or hemmed in. This is especially true of members of the opposite sex. This means avoid extending a friendly or formal handshake. Or at the very least, don't be offended if your hand is left hanging in midair. It's a cultural mistake. You will cause embarrassment and tension. This is because your hand can neither be shaken nor is a monk or nun likely to be able to explain why right at that moment. Other cultures know. And anyone who doesn't will seem a barbarian.
- What to do instead: Place your palms together (anjali mudra) and bow ever so slightly.
But it doesn't stop there. Etiquette dictates one never point one's feet at anyone or pat anyone on the head (even cute kids). Moreover, the soles of one's feet should never be pointed in the direction of an altar, a Buddha figure or depiction, or monastics. Doing so is a major faux pas. And even if you're not told anything, you will be hurting feelings.What's the problem? (It's comparable to using a flag to blow your nose. It's just cotton! It may indeed just be cotton. But the significance of that design goes far beyond the fabric. Not only human beings, even the unseen beings might take offense).
- What to do instead: Be mindful of your feet; point with your hands; face your outstretched legs in a different direction.
Finally, with regard to monastics, you should not be alone with the opposite sex at anytime. Even the appearance of impropriety is a breach of their avowed monastic code. There are certainly monastics who are lax in their observance, or more relaxed in mixed company, or more observant of situational ethics. Alone they may be very relaxed and stiffen up suddenly in the company of other monks who would criticize them.
What to do instead: Make sure a member of the monastic's sex is also present; it is also vital to make sure that third person is able to understand the language you and the monastic are speaking in to avoid the possibility that something untoward is being discussed in that third person's presence.
Don’t let blowing your nose or taking off your shoes land you in hot water when you travel
Sallie Brady
Sallie Brady
Touching Someone
Where It’s Offensive: Korea, Thailand, China, Europe, the Middle East.
What’s Offensive: Personal space varies as you travel the globe. In Mediterranean countries, if you refrain from touching someone’s arm when talking to them or if you don’t greet them with kisses or a warm embrace, you’ll be considered cold. But backslap someone who isn’t a family member or a good friend in Korea, and you’ll make them uncomfortable. In Thailand, the head is considered sacred — never even pat a child on the head.
Where It’s Offensive: Korea, Thailand, China, Europe, the Middle East.
What’s Offensive: Personal space varies as you travel the globe. In Mediterranean countries, if you refrain from touching someone’s arm when talking to them or if you don’t greet them with kisses or a warm embrace, you’ll be considered cold. But backslap someone who isn’t a family member or a good friend in Korea, and you’ll make them uncomfortable. In Thailand, the head is considered sacred — never even pat a child on the head.
- What You Should Do Instead: Observe what locals are doing and follow suit. In Eastern countries remember that touching and public displays of affection are unacceptable. In places like Qatar and Saudi Arabia, men and women are forbidden from interacting, let along touching.
Knowing Your Right from Your Left
Where It’s Offensive: India, Morocco, Africa, the Middle East.
What’s Offensive: Many cultures still prefer to eat using traditional methods — their hands. In these cases, food is often offered communally, which is why it’s important to wash your hands before eating and observe the right-hand-is-for-eating and the left-hand-is-for-other-duties rule. If you eat with your left hand, expect your fellow diners to be mortified. And when partaking from a communal bowl, stick to a portion that’s closest to you. Do not get greedy and plunge your hand into the center.
Where It’s Offensive: India, Morocco, Africa, the Middle East.
What’s Offensive: Many cultures still prefer to eat using traditional methods — their hands. In these cases, food is often offered communally, which is why it’s important to wash your hands before eating and observe the right-hand-is-for-eating and the left-hand-is-for-other-duties rule. If you eat with your left hand, expect your fellow diners to be mortified. And when partaking from a communal bowl, stick to a portion that’s closest to you. Do not get greedy and plunge your hand into the center.
- What You Should Do Instead: Left-handed? Attempt to be ambidextrous — even children who are left-handed in these cultures are taught to eat with their right hand — or at least explain yourself to your fellow diners before plunging in.
Keeping Your Clothes On
Where It’s Offensive: Scandinavian countries, Turkey.
What’s Offensive: Wearing bathing suits, shorts and T-shirts, underwear, or any other piece of clothing into a sauna, hammam, or other place of physical purification. In some cultures, a steam room or a sauna is considered a place of purity and reflection, where the outside world (i.e., your clothes) should be left outside. In some Scandinavian countries it’s common for entire families to sauna together in the nude.
Where It’s Offensive: Scandinavian countries, Turkey.
What’s Offensive: Wearing bathing suits, shorts and T-shirts, underwear, or any other piece of clothing into a sauna, hammam, or other place of physical purification. In some cultures, a steam room or a sauna is considered a place of purity and reflection, where the outside world (i.e., your clothes) should be left outside. In some Scandinavian countries it’s common for entire families to sauna together in the nude.
- What You Should Do Instead: Sitting on a folded towel is considered acceptable. If you’re too modest to appear naked, strip down, but wrap yourself in a towel.
Getting Lei'd Off
Where It’s Offensive: Hawaii.
What’s Offensive: Refusing or immediately removing a lei.
Where It’s Offensive: Hawaii.
What’s Offensive: Refusing or immediately removing a lei.
- What You Should Do Instead: Leis in the Hawaiian Islands aren’t just pretty floral necklaces that you get when you check into your hotel or show up at a luau. They’re a centuries-old cultural symbol of welcome, friendship, and appreciation. Never refuse a lei — it’s considered highly disrespectful — or whip it off in the giver’s presence. If you’re allergic to the flowers, explain so, but offer to put it in some place of honor, say in the center of the table, or on a statue. Note that closed leis should be worn not hanging from the neck, but over the shoulder, with half draped down your chest and the other half down your back.
Looking Them in the Eye … or Not
Where It’s Offensive: Korea, Japan, Germany.
What’s Offensive: For Americans, not making direct eye contact can be considered rude, indifferent, or weak, but be careful how long you hold someone’s gaze in other countries. In some Asian nations, prolonged eye contact will make a local uncomfortable, so don’t be offended if you’re negotiating a deal with someone who won’t look you straight in the eye. If toasting with friends in a German beer hall, your eyes had better meet theirs — if they don’t, a German superstition says you’re both in for seven years of bad luck in the bedroom.
Where It’s Offensive: Korea, Japan, Germany.
What’s Offensive: For Americans, not making direct eye contact can be considered rude, indifferent, or weak, but be careful how long you hold someone’s gaze in other countries. In some Asian nations, prolonged eye contact will make a local uncomfortable, so don’t be offended if you’re negotiating a deal with someone who won’t look you straight in the eye. If toasting with friends in a German beer hall, your eyes had better meet theirs — if they don’t, a German superstition says you’re both in for seven years of bad luck in the bedroom.
- What You Should Do Instead: Avoid constant staring and follow the behavior of your host — and by all means, look those Germans straight on.
Drinking Alcohol the Wrong Way
Where It’s Offensive: Latin America, France, Korea, Russia.
What’s Offensive: Every culture has different traditions when it comes to drinking etiquette. Fail to consume a vodka shot in one gulp in Russia, and your host will not be impressed. Refill your own wine glass in France without offering more to the rest of the table, and you’ve made a faux pas. In Korea, women can pour only men’s drinks — not other women’s — and if you want a refill, you need to drain your glass. And if you’re in Latin America, never pour with your left hand — that’s bad luck.
Where It’s Offensive: Latin America, France, Korea, Russia.
What’s Offensive: Every culture has different traditions when it comes to drinking etiquette. Fail to consume a vodka shot in one gulp in Russia, and your host will not be impressed. Refill your own wine glass in France without offering more to the rest of the table, and you’ve made a faux pas. In Korea, women can pour only men’s drinks — not other women’s — and if you want a refill, you need to drain your glass. And if you’re in Latin America, never pour with your left hand — that’s bad luck.
- What You Should Do Instead: Until you’re culturally fluent, leave it to your pals to pour.
Blowing Your Nose
Where It’s Offensive: Japan, China, Saudi Arabia, France.
What’s Offensive: Some cultures find it disgusting to blow your nose in public — especially at the table. The Japanese and Chinese are also repelled by the idea of a handkerchief. As Mark McCrum points out in his book Going Dutch in Beijing, the Japanese word hanakuso unpleasantly means nose waste.
Where It’s Offensive: Japan, China, Saudi Arabia, France.
What’s Offensive: Some cultures find it disgusting to blow your nose in public — especially at the table. The Japanese and Chinese are also repelled by the idea of a handkerchief. As Mark McCrum points out in his book Going Dutch in Beijing, the Japanese word hanakuso unpleasantly means nose waste.
- What You Should Do Instead: If traveling through Eastern and Asian countries, leave the hankies at home and opt for disposable tissues instead. In France as well as in Eastern countries, if you’re dining and need to clear your nasal passages, excuse yourself and head to the restroom. Worst-case scenario: make an exaggerated effort to steer away from the table. Let’s hope you don’t have a cold.
Removing Your Shoes…or Not
Where It’s Offensive: Hawaii, the South Pacific, Korea, China, Thailand.
What’s Offensive: Take off your shoes when arriving at the door of a London dinner party and the hostess will find you uncivilized, but fail to remove your shoes before entering a home in Asia, Hawaii, or the Pacific Islands and you’ll be considered disrespectful. Not only does shoe removal very practically keeps sand and dirt out of the house, it’s a sign of leaving the outside world behind.
Where It’s Offensive: Hawaii, the South Pacific, Korea, China, Thailand.
What’s Offensive: Take off your shoes when arriving at the door of a London dinner party and the hostess will find you uncivilized, but fail to remove your shoes before entering a home in Asia, Hawaii, or the Pacific Islands and you’ll be considered disrespectful. Not only does shoe removal very practically keeps sand and dirt out of the house, it’s a sign of leaving the outside world behind.
- What You Should Do Instead: If you see a row of shoes at the door, start undoing your laces. If not, keep the shoes on.
Talking Over Dinner
Where It’s Offensive: Africa, Japan, Thailand, China, Finland.
What’s Offensive: In some countries, like China, Japan, and some African nations, the food’s the thing, so don’t start chatting about your day’s adventures while everyone else is digging into dinner. You’ll likely be met with silence—not because your group is unfriendly, but because mealtimes are for eating, not talking. Also avoid conversations in places a country might consider sacred or reflective—churches in Europe, temples in Thailand, and saunas in Finland.
Where It’s Offensive: Africa, Japan, Thailand, China, Finland.
What’s Offensive: In some countries, like China, Japan, and some African nations, the food’s the thing, so don’t start chatting about your day’s adventures while everyone else is digging into dinner. You’ll likely be met with silence—not because your group is unfriendly, but because mealtimes are for eating, not talking. Also avoid conversations in places a country might consider sacred or reflective—churches in Europe, temples in Thailand, and saunas in Finland.
- What You Should Do Instead: Keep quiet!
Road Rage
Where It’s Offensive: Hawaii, Russia, France, Italy, around the globe.
What’s Offensive: Honk on Molokai or fail to pay a police officer a fine, a.k.a. bribe, on the spot when you’re stopped for speeding in Russia, and you’ll risk everything from scorn to prison time. Remember, too, that hand gestures have different meanings in other countries — a simple “thumbs-up” is interpreted as an “up yours“ in parts of the Middle East.
Where It’s Offensive: Hawaii, Russia, France, Italy, around the globe.
What’s Offensive: Honk on Molokai or fail to pay a police officer a fine, a.k.a. bribe, on the spot when you’re stopped for speeding in Russia, and you’ll risk everything from scorn to prison time. Remember, too, that hand gestures have different meanings in other countries — a simple “thumbs-up” is interpreted as an “up yours“ in parts of the Middle East.
- What You Should Do Instead: When driving abroad, make sure you have an international driver’s license; never, ever practice road rage; and keep your hands on the wheel.
Party Poopers
When you receive an invitation to a dinner or party--whether by Evite, voicemail, or casual email--RESPOND. Yeah, that’s what that little “RSVP” thing means. Everyone knows it, yet it’s amazing how many don’t respond. Even for weddings! Planning a party or event requires a lot of work, so do the host a simple favor and let them know if you're coming or not.
Nickel & Dimin’
How annoying is it when you go to dinner with four or more people, the check finally arrives, and one of your meal companions begins to divvy up the check down to the last penny? Sure, we get that Sally had a shrimp salad, and Janet had two iced teas, while Beth only had water, and you ordered a slice of peach pie (a la mode, which is extra). The point is, if you go out to dinner with a group, be prepared to split the bill more or less evenly. If there's an outstanding cost differential, fine, estimate it and be done with it. The person who spends twenty minutes dividing the bill to the dime comes off as a cheapskate –- and kills the festive mood.
The Line-Up
Lines are a fact of life. At the post office, the supermarket, just about everywhere these days. For starters, moaners who huff and gripe about standing in a line of three people for all of five minutes are tops on our list. Get over yourself -- if you don’t have a few minutes to wait to buy that loaf of bread, then pick it up another time. Another thing: Don’t show your impatience by creeping up so close to the person in front of you that they can feel your breath. Crowding those around you will not get you to the front any faster, so give them some space. Finally, cutting in line or trying to ignore the fact that there IS a line –- stop it! Everyone’s time is valuable.
The ME Show
It’s great to hear all the crazy, wacky, wonderful things happening in the lives of others. Jobs, engagements, breakups, boyfriends, puppies, pregnancies, vacations — very good stuff, all of it. But once you’ve listened to a friend, family member, or colleague spout about their own fabulous life for an hour (or two), it’s normal to expect them to ask, “So, what’s going on with you?” Those who blab on about themselves while you listen intently, then don’t ask a thing about you in return are just plain rude.
Baby Biz
Changing a poopy baby diaper around others is nasty -- and we're moms. Changing the other kind of baby diaper in public is one thing, but still should only be done when absolutely necessary!
Mobile Madness
As much as we love the modern age, there are days when we long to go to a coffee shop, movie theatre, bookstore, or post office and not hear some teen queen dishing to her friend about last night's hot date with Todd or eavesdrop (unwillingly) on a screaming family feud. Mobile phones are essential, but please, people, pleeeeeeease, use a little restraint on the when's, what's, and where's. We're happy that Todd is "totally built" but we're going to have to start walking around town and slapping people with "TMI" tickets (yes, too much information).
Smokes
Everyone has a right to smoke in public, but be conscious of whose face your smoke is blowing into. Are there kids nearby? And we just might kick the butt of the next person we see throwing their burning butt on the ground without putting it out. Really, find an ashtray or trashcan where you can extinguish and dispose of it properly -- that thing is garbage, not decoration for our streets and sidewalks.
The Pee & Flee
Public bathrooms get used by everyone -- yup, they're public! So, making a mess of the toilet seat, and then prancing out without bothering to wipe it up -- not cool. Leaving a mess for the next visitor is completely unacceptable (and disgustingly unsanitary, of course). Take 10 seconds to rip off a piece of toilet paper, toilet seat cover, or a paper towel, and do your due diligence!
Stealing...a parking spot, that is. Yeah, you know who you are. If someone has their blinker on and is patiently waiting for a spot, it's theirs. And if you've already passed a spot up, it's gone. Treat others as you expect to be treated, and the parking goddesses will smile down upon you... eventually.
Stealing...a parking spot, that is. Yeah, you know who you are. If someone has their blinker on and is patiently waiting for a spot, it's theirs. And if you've already passed a spot up, it's gone. Treat others as you expect to be treated, and the parking goddesses will smile down upon you... eventually.
Belly Baring
Men, women -- anyone who's passed puberty, everyone who isn't lounging poolside or oceanside -- resist the urge to bare those bellies. They may be beautiful, Buddha-like, jolly, but sometimes they can be flabby, hairy, and not ripe for public consumption. If you're jogging, fellas, t-shirts or tanks won't hurt your workout, so throw one on. Gals, midriff fashions are never really on our "Do" list, and that goes double if your age doesn't contain the word "teen." There are plenty of ways for all of us to flaunt what we got without sharing our tum-tums with the world.
Spitting
This gets especially yucky when it's one of those enormous globs that looks like it could be alive. Some people (males, in particular) think it's kind of a cool-guy thing to do. We're here to tell ya that no one wants to see you hock a big gooey one out of your car, onto the sidewalk, or anywhere else for that matter. Try a tissue.
Honking
Problem People who honk too often, too unnecessarily, or just to express their emotions are on our list of Most Etiquette Challenged. If you're trying to warn someone about a collision or problem, fine, otherwise it's not that serious. Give it a rest!
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