Marriage: lonely masturbation, cheating, shame

Ashley Wells, Seth Auberon (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly; Maureen McGrath (TEDx Talks); Ven. K. Sri Dhammananda, A Happy Married Life: A Buddhist Perspective (accesstoinsight.org)

You still love me? - Why don't you shut the hell up? - That's not the answer I wanted to hear.

 

No Sex Marriage: Masturbation, Loneliness, Cheating, and Shame

Love? Marriage? Sex? Can a married couple have all three? Perhaps it’s unrealistic since so many marriages end in divorce today. Why is that? One reason might be that a reported 20% of all marriages are sexless and that number is rising. Why have we lost the lust in our marriages? Is it technology, is it trust? More importantly, how can we “get back at it” in our marriages today?

• This talk was given at a TEDx event (TEDxStanleyPark) using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. More at: ted.com/tedx
• Registered nurse, sex educator, author of Sex & Health, Maureen McGrath (nursetalk@hotmail.com) hosts the "Sunday Night Sex Show" on News Talk 980 CKNW.

A Happy Married Life: A Buddhist Perspective

Ven. K. Sri Dhammananda edited by Wisdom Quarterly

I told you not to ask me. Who cares if my number is higher than yours? We're together now.

 
From the Buddhist point of view, marriage is neither holy nor unholy. Buddhism does not regard marriage as a religious duty nor as a sacrament that is ordained in heaven. A cynic has said that while some people believe that marriage is planned in heaven, others say that it is also recorded in hell!

Marriage is basically a personal and social obligation, but it is not compulsory. Men and women must have the freedom either to get married or to remain single. This does not mean that Buddhism is against marriage. Nobody in this world would say that marriage is bad , and there is no religion which is against marriage.
 
Practically all living things come into being as a result of sex life. [The Abhidharma explains some exceptions]. Among human beings, the institution of marriage has come about so that society guarantees the perpetuation of the human species and also ensures that the young would be cared for.

This is based on the argument that children born through the pleasure of sex must be the responsibility of the partners involved, at least until they have grown up. And marriage ensures that this responsibility is upheld and carried out.
 
A society grows through a network of relationships which are mutually intertwined and interdependent. Every relationship is a whole-hearted commitment to support and to protect others in a group or community.

Marriage plays a very important part in this strong web of relationships of giving support and protection. A good marriage should grow and develop gradually from understanding and not impulse, from true loyalty and not just sheer indulgence.

The institution of marriage provides a fine basis for the development of culture, a delightful association of two individuals to be nurtured and to be free from loneliness, deprivation, and fear. In marriage, each partner develops a complementary role...
 
2. The Nature of Love and Pleasure

Love
There are different kinds of love, and these are variously expressed as motherly love, brotherly love, sensual love, emotional love, sexual love, selfish love, selfless love, and universal love.
 
If people develop only their carnal or selfish love towards each other, that type of love cannot last long. In a true love relationship, one should not ask how much one can get, but how much one can give.
 
When beauty, complexion, and youth start to fade away, a husband who considers only the physical aspects of love may think of acquiring another young wife.

That type of love is animal love or lust. If a man really develops love as an expression of human concern for another being, he will not lay emphasis only on the external beauty and physical attractiveness of his partner.

The beauty and attractiveness of his partner should be in his heart and mind, not in what he sees. Likewise, the wife who follows Buddhist teachings will never neglect her husband even though he has become old, poor, or sick.

• "I have a fear that the modern girl loves to be Juliet, to have a dozen Romeos. She loves adventure....The modern girl dresses not to protect herself from wind, rain, and sun, but to attract attention. She improves upon nature by painting herself and looking extraordinary." — Gandhi

Sex

What's happening as the live TV news camera pans to this innocent looking anchor?

 
Sex by itself is not "evil," although the temptation and craving for it invariably disturbs the peace of mind, and hence is not conducive to spiritual development.
 
In the ideal situation, sex is the physical culmination of a deeply satisfying emotional relationship, where both partners give and take equally.
 
The portrayal of love by commercial groups through the mass media in what we call "Western" culture is not "real" love. When an animal wants to have sex, it shows its "love," but after having experienced sex, it just forgets about love.

For animals, sex is just an instinctive drive necessary for procreation. But a human being has much more to offer in the concept of love. Duties and responsibilities are important ingredients to maintain unity, harmony, and understanding in a relationship between human beings....

Gandhi remarks:

"I believe in the proper education of woman. But I do believe that woman will not make her contribution to the world by mimicking or running a race with man. She can run the race, but she will not rise to the great heights she is capable of by mimicking man. She has to be the complement of man." More

CONTENTS
1. Introduction
2. The Nature of Love and Pleasure
3. The Reality of Married Life
4. The Buddhist Concept of Marriage
5. The Religious Dilemma
6. Security, Respect, and Responsibilities
7. Polygamy or Monogamy?
8. New Technology
9. Morality
10. The East and the West
11. Celibacy
12. Summary
Appendix I: The Affectionate Mother
Appendix II: Moral Code