Talking to cheaters about cheating (TED Talk)

Tania Solis-Camara (quora.com); Ashley Wells, Dhr. Seven, Crystal Q. (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly

Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic (audiobook by Esther Perel)

Rethinking infidelity...a talk for anyone who has ever loved

(TED Talk/TED.com, 5/21/15) Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: They threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss. This is a must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding broken and repairable relationships.

Why the men who cheat cheat

I used to have an open relationship. It didn’t work. There is a big misconception on the reasons why people cheat.

Some of the assumptions on why people cheat are:

• Lack of morals or principles
• lack of love or sex in a relationship
• problems in the relationship
• meeting someone better looking or younger.

Avoid the Top 3 polyamory mistakes (PCC)

However, the reason why people cheat often has more to do with an inner need rather than with external factors.

During my polyamory (openly having multiple lovers) experimentation, I went out a couple of times with men who lied to me about their real relationship status.

Silicon Valley is into polyamory (wired.com)

I had very enlightening conversations with all of these men, who were in reality good husbands and fathers. They were just going through a phase in which they feared missing their last chance to feel young and alive.

They all wanted to feel butterflies in their stomachs again, as well as validation and reaffirmation that they were still personally and sexually desirable.

Is their lying worse than their cheating?

One of them literally told me that he needed a woman whose voice would make him aroused. Yet, all of them declared a deep love towards their wives and only few of them had relationship issues.

More than one of those men told me, "Nobody in our social circle would ever imagine that I would cheat on my wife." I questioned them why couldn’t they just find all of those things in their wives.

The answers ranged from, "My wife doesn’t like sex" to "I am not a priority to my wife." When I would argue my case with them about how it takes two to tango and how they needed to make an effort, we would always end in the same place, which was:

At the end of the day, cheating had everything to do with themselves and very little to do with what their wives did or didn’t do.

Amazon.com's four sex-and-dating book deal

The next question was, "Then why not have an open relationship to avoid cheating?" All of their fears surfaced like bubbles: “What if she find a better lover than me?” or “What if she were to leave me for someone better?”

A fear bigger than missing the chance to feel alive was losing one’s family because of cheating. The last thing they wanted was the end of their relationship.

They would find a way to argue that having a mistress on the side or an additional lover in secret was going to make them, in the long run, a better husband.

For those with a real interest in this topic, I recommend Esther Perel’s TED talks and books.

• Author has 753 answers and 2.1 million answer views
• Television: Polyamory: Married & Dating

CLASSIC: The Ethical Slut

ESTHER PEREL takes on tough questions, grappling with the obstacles and anxieties that arise when our quest for secure love conflicts with our pursuit of passion. She explores the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire. She explains what it takes to bring lust home. In her 20 years of clinical experience as a therapist, she has treated hundreds of couples whose home lives are devoid of passion. They describe relationships that are open and loving yet sexually dull. What's going on? In this explosively original book, she explains that our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness, and absolute candor is antithetical to erotic desire for men and women. Sexual excitement doesn't always play by the rules of good citizenship. It is politically incorrect. It thrives on power plays, unfair advantages, and the space between self and other. More