Harvard study reveals secret to being likable

Margaret Pan, Medium.com, Jan. 18, 2023; G. P. Malalasekera, Dictionary of Pali Proper Names; Ananda (Dharma Buddhist Meditation), Dhr. Seven (ed.), Wisdom Quarterly

California Gov. Gavin Newsom: Let me see. What makes you so likeable? Your personality?

What does it take to be likeable and popular? Does science know? (lexica.art)

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It’s not being polite, helpful, or having a good sense of humor. It might be an inconvenient truth, but being likable is something we all (deep down) crave [except for the disagreeable people Prof. Jordan Peterson points out].

Is the secret being mysterious?

That’s because it makes life easier. If we think that people are born charming, we’re mistaken:

Likability can be learned and honed, just like any other skill.

But what is it that makes a person likable? According to a new Harvard study, described in an HBR article, the secret to being more likable and improving interpersonal bonding isn’t being polite, helpful, or having a good sense of humor.

It’s asking more questions. We all want to feel someone is interested in us. The research examined the role of asking questions in interpersonal relationships.

Harvard colleagues scrutinized thousands of natural conversations among participants who were getting to know each other, either in online chats or on in-person speed dates. The researchers told some people to ask at least nine questions within 15 minutes and the rest to ask no more than four within 15 minutes.

Am I "hot" or not? What does it take to be liked?

In the online chats, the people who were randomly assigned to ask many questions were better liked by their conversation partners. Among the speed daters, people were more willing to go on a second date with partners who asked more questions.

It makes sense: We all want to feel someone is interested in us. People tend to talk a lot about themselves, especially when they’re trying to impress someone. But that’s not the best strategy to make a positive impression.

When we show genuine interest in people — by asking them questions regarding their lives, thoughts, and feelings — and shift the focus of the conversation from ourselves onto others, that’s how we win them over.

There is a catch though. According to the findings of the research, the order of the questions we ask others has a significant effect on how they will respond.

If we want to build up trust, rapport, and intimacy, we should start with relatively shallow and insignificant questions and progress to more private/deep ones. More

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The Buddha on the Four Bases of Popularity

Dhr. Seven, DISCUSSION, Wisdom Quarterly

In the "Advice to Householders" sutra (Sigalovada Sutta), the Buddha proclaims that there are Four Bases or Foundations of Popularity. Some people are popular, some are not. Why are they? It is because they have built up the habit and practice of these four things:

1. generosity
2. sweet speech
3. helpfulness to others
4. impartiality to all.

Unfortunately, as important as this sutra would be to the world of non-monastic Buddhists, it is a conglomeration of discourses patched together rather than kept separate. The amalgamation was not done very well as the closing verses refer back to parts that are not in the body.

The summary says one is popular by these four habits, but they are not mentioned in the body. And no one seems to notice or be able to do anything about it to fix it. A scholar might find the original sutra(s) somewhere in some tradition (outside the Pali language of the Theravada school) -- in Chinese, Sanskrit, Prakrit, or Tibetan texts -- but until one does, we only have this reference.

Karma: It's everywhere we're going to be.

Certainly, giving makes us popular with others. The good karma of dana is very meritorious, as we let go and do not cling to what we have but instead share it. Sweet speech is always welcome no matter what we are saying. Being helpful and coming to the aid of others is certainly going to win friends. Being impartial rather than biased and favoring some over others is a little more surprising, but who doesn't like a fair person? Such people are beloved everywhere.

Karma is the cause of our conditions and circumstances (fruit or phala), whether we are being good or bad. And we will meet with the results of our actions, speech, and intentions everywhere we go.

Venerable Ananda (the Buddha's son or cousin, according to different traditions) was very popular, more so than wise Sariputra and Khema. But "luckiest" of all was the Buddhist monk with the best karma Ven. Sivali (Sīvalī Thera).

The luckiest Buddhist

G. P. Malalasekera, Dictionary of Pali Proper Names

The good karma of lucky Ven. Sivali

Ven. Sīvalī was declared by the Buddha as foremost among recipients of gifts (A.i.24). It is said (ThagA.i.138; Ap.ii.495; AA.i.139) that when the Buddha visited Khadiravaniya-Revata, he took Ven. Sīvalī with him because the road was difficult and provisions were scarce.

[This would suggest that Ven. Sivali had better luck than the Buddha himself, having practiced generosity longer or better than the Bodhisatta, or it may mean that Sivali was in the receiving phase of his merit more so than anyone else around.]

Ven. Sīvalī went to the Himalayas with a large number of others to test his good luck. The devas provided them with everything they needed. On Gandhamādana mountain range a deva named Nāgadatta entertained them for seven days on milk rice. Source