Xmas special: Santa Claus? "Satan Claws"

Dhr. Seven, Ashley Wells, Amber Larson, Pat Macpherson, Wisdom Quarterly

Christians agree: This is not the way Christmas was meant to be, even the Pagan version.

Kids write to Santa greedily asking for things, but Krampus and businesses get the mail.

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Long ago I had to wonder where we got the name "Santa." Shuffle two letters and suddenly it's "Satan." Claus has a clause is to get his Claws into all of us, like some ambulance chaser running down business.

Not that anyone would do this. Who would do this? Just a coincidence, I'm sure, because, well, just look at him: white man in a red suit with minions known as elves, hobgoblins, little demon slaves who do his bidding.

And where's Mrs. Kringle? Hollywood's backstory for her indicates she's just a kindly yenta, a real babooshka, under the weight of fat man Claus. Just ask Burgermeister Meisterburger.

Evil spirit (yakkha) Krampus is here to beat and punish kids with his sidekick Black Pete.

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Okay so imagine you wanted a holiday, one uplifting in nature celebrating, say, the figure of the social imagination's goodness. What better way to do that than crass commercialism, mass consumerism, greed, pettiness, conspicuous consumption, clinging, grasping, clutching...clawing?

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Xmas, children! Where's my goddam milk and cookies? They're supposed to be here on a plate next to the gift tree! This whole Xmas business began as a 'shroom fest anyway. Scandinavian shamans and psychedelic mushroom distributors, Krampus customs, Christian bitterness throughout Europe, it's not been easy suffering the cold. It was only a matter of time before the demons got their way.

• Feeling Scrooged? Free at the Parson's Nose annual celebration of the English language to revel in Dickens' words, the delicious description of Victorian London most of us skimmed in high school but can now enjoy over a cup of cocoa.