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Q: How does one overcome worry and doubt?
Meditation Student (MS): I'm up to Day 29 of meditating two hours, first thing in the morning. I don't know how I'm doing it, but it is definitely calming me down. You told me not to write unless I'm beset with defilements. The most significant defilement I am beset with is the defilement of doubt. Even though I've meditated for 28 days, and don't find it "impossibly" difficult (it's definitely the most difficult thing I do), I constantly fear I won't be able to do it.
A: Sayalay Susila (SS): You are worrying about what has not yet happened. I regard worry as an illusion because it is something that has not yet happened and may not happen. Why drain your energy worrying? When worry arises, recognize it and immediately bring your attention to the breath so that your mind does not indulge in worrying. Indulging in worrying makes the worry persistent. When you are worrying about what has not yet happened, you are not living in the present moment. — This will make you unhappy.
MS: Self-doubt with regard to my ability to do difficult things has plagued every area of my life. My whole life, I would have given anything to just let go and trust myself. I don't have that much more of this lifetime left. I would love to live it with some peace and joy and actually be in the present moment. I'm totally willing to put in the effort.
SS: If you want to live in the present moment, you must learn to be aware of arising thoughts, especially worry and doubt. See doubt as a mental phenomenon, not as a self. Doubt is unreal; it becomes real only when you grasp it as “myself” and “mine.” Due to grasping it as “myself,” the mind becomes reactive and the defilement proliferates. If you react with the same pattern all the time, it will become second-nature.
MS: But like everything else, I don't trust the progress I make. I only trust bad things. I'm so afraid of losing the good. I know I will because it’s impermanent, but I seem to think that suffering is permanent. SS: I can see the tendencies or pattern in your thinking. When you only think negatively, you become what you think. You must learn to change the way you think—only then can you change your life. I believe you can do it. Do not let your happiness pass by thinking negatively. You think suffering is permanent because you are grasping suffering as “myself.” Just regard suffering as suffering, not as a self.
MS: I think about your courage and fearlessness and that helps.
SS: My courage comes from not worrying about what has not yet happened, so to speak.
MS: If you have any other suggestions, such as varying the concentration practice with a type of meditation that would help with doubt, please let me know.
SS: Apart from concentration, please practice mindfulness and wisdom, too. Be aware of doubt when it arises, then either ignore it (don't indulge in it—if you indulge in it, you make it real) OR contemplate it as impermanent and as not myself.
(For details on this practice, go to sayalaysusila.net (under Dhamma Collection > eBooks Menu) and read “Moment to Moment Practice.”)
MS: I feel the retreat has changed my inner life, and my husband agrees…
SS: So you can do it, right? This should be enough to generate confidence in yourself and in the Dhamma.
MS: …and of course, I doubt it can last (I mean, the meditating two hours a day). So that's why I'm writing. I need help with this delusion....with the hindrance of doubt.
SS: Good knowledge of the Buddha's teaching helps to dispel doubt. If you have faith in my teaching, go to my website and listen to my talks or read suttas. Doing this will definitely give you happiness and confidence. May you be happy and free from the illusion of worry and doubt.
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