Tired of my hookups not wanting to date me

Kait MacKinnon (Unwritten/YourTango/MSN); Ashley Wells, Crystal Q. (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly

Would you date me, ladies? Haha, I'm married.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been casually dating multiple guys, sometimes at the same time. One thing that has become pretty clear to me is that all of these guys have one thing in common: 

They’re not so interested in dating me, but they’re very interested in my body. Maybe we can chalk it up to a sl*tty personality. (I guess anything's possible). Or maybe it’s because I’m not meeting men in the right places.

But something else is very clear to me: I’m sick and tired of guys wanting me but not wanting to "date" me.

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I'm the man for you, Just do me already!

It might come off as a little vain, but the truth is that I am indeed meeting men who are seemingly interested in me, only to disappear when they get what they want [sex] or they’re tired of waiting around. To clarify one thing: I am not the hookup type.

I’ve never been one to hook up with guys and call it good. It’s just something I’ve never done. So maybe I should’ve known better than to look for love on sites usually dedicated to finding hookups, like Tinder.

This sucks. Relationships and hookups are a disappointment. What were my expectations?

.

But it doesn’t change the fact that this still happens with guys I’ve met in real life and not through dating apps. What honestly floors me is the lengths these guys will go to for a hookup.

I’ve had guys hang around for months on end, just for a hookup. Some of them will spend a lot of time and money on me, taking me to nice dinners, spending the weekend together, and just all around putting a ton of effort into this sh*t.

I've still got it! And I'm not that fat.

And when they’re not getting what they want or they’re not willing to slow down to my pace, they bail, and most of the time, without a trace.

Yet, every single one of these guys seems to know exactly what to say to hit me where it matters, and before I know it, they’re roping me in.

Maybe I am bad at dating, or maybe they’re just bad at getting hookups. Either way, the message they’re sending me is that I’m worth the time and effort for a hookup but never for a relationship.

Why are men and women the way they are?

So why am I good enough for you to scr*w around with but not good enough for them to want to date? 

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I go into these dating experiences with honesty, so they know that I don’t do hookups. I blatantly tell them that I’m not looking for a hookup and, no, hookups are not my thing.

It’s so surprising how many of these men think they’re the exception rather than the rule. It’s hard to not get my hopes up, always thinking that I’ve finally met someone who's different and isn’t looking to just use me and then toss me like a disposable camera.

They put on good shows and, oftentimes, their flaking just takes me by surprise, catches me off guard. You see, it’s hard to be an optimist when it comes to dating, but it’s even harder to be a pessimist.

If you have your hopes up too high, you face inevitable disappointment. If you’re too pessimistic, guys think you’re negative, and that’s a turn-off.

There’s no happy medium, just like when you’re stuck in that weird relationship limbo, trying to maintain that you’re looking for a relationship and having fun, while also not being clingy or making it just a hookup. No one wins.

What all of these guys fail to realize is this: More

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Kait MacKinnon is a writer who focuses on relationships, love, and mental health topics. Her work has been featured on Huffington Post, Elite Daily, and Thought Catalog. This article previously appeared at YourTango and before that at Unwritten.