The Lessons of Gratitude

Amber Larson, Wisdom Quarterly; Ven. Thanissaro (Geoffrey DeGraff), Abbot of Wat Metta

Sometimes a smile is all the thanks we give, all the gratitude we show (baconbabble.com).

 

Gratitude (pirith.org)

The Buddha taught: "Two people are hard to find in the world. Which two? The one who is first to do a kindness, and the one who is grateful/thankful for a kindness done" (AN 2.118).

 

In saying that kind and grateful people are rare, the Buddha is not stating an obvious truth about the world. He is advising us to treasure these people when we find them and -- more importantly -- he shows how we can become them.

 

Kindness and gratitude are virtues we can certainly cultivate, but they must be cultivated together. Each needs the other to be genuine, which becomes obvious when we think about the three things most likely to make gratitude heartfelt:

1. We've benefitted from another's actions.
2. We trust the motives behind those actions.
3. We sense the other person had to go out of his or her way to provide that benefit.

Points one and two are lessons that gratitude teaches to kindness: If we want to be genuinely kind, we have to be of actual benefit. No one wants to be the recipient of "help" that isn't actually helpful. And we have to provide that benefit in a way that shows respect and empathy for the other person's needs. No one likes to receive a gift given with calculating motives or in a disdainful way.

 

Points two and three are lessons that kindness teaches to gratitude. Only if we've been kind to another person are we likely to accept the idea that others can be kind to us. At the same time, if we've been kind to another person, we know the effort involved.

Kind impulses often have to do battle with unkind impulses in the heart, so it is not always easy to be helpful. Sometimes it involves great sacrifice -- a sacrifice possible only when we trust the recipient will make good use of our help. So when we're on the receiving end of a sacrifice like that, we realize we've incurred a debt, an obligation to repay the other person's trust.

 

This is why the Buddha always discusses gratitude as a response to kindness. He does not equate it with appreciation in general. Gratitude is a special kind of appreciation, inspiring a more demanding response. The difference here is best illustrated by two passages in which the Buddha uses the image of carrying.

 

Sutra: Parable of the Raft

What is the "Parable of the Raft"?

The first passage concerns appreciation of a general sort: "Then the person, having gathered grass, twigs, branches, and leaves, having bound them together to make a raft, would cross over to the safety of the farther shore by depending on the raft, struggling, making an effort with hands and feet.

"Having crossed over to the farther shore, one might think, 'How useful this raft has been to me! For it was in dependence on this raft that, making an effort with my own hands and feet, I have crossed over to safety on the farther shore. So why don't I, having hoisted it on my head or carrying it on my back, go wherever I like?' What do you think, meditators? Would the person, in doing so, be doing what should be done with the raft?" -- "No, venerable sir."

 

"What should the person do in order to be doing what should be done with the raft? There is another case where the person, having crossed over to the farther shore, might think: 'How useful this raft has been to me! For it was in dependence on this raft that, making an effort with my own hands and feet, I have crossed over to the safety of the farther shore. Why don't I, having docked it on dry land or sunk it in water, go wherever I like?' In doing so, one would be doing what should be done with the raft" (MN 22).

Sutra: Who can repay parents?

Let me down, dummy! - But I'm repaying you!

The second passage concerns gratitude in particular: "I tell you, meditators, there are two people who are not easy to repay. Which two? Our mother and father.

"Even if we were to carry our mother on one shoulder and our father on the other shoulder for 100 years, and were to look after them by anointing, massaging, bathing, and rubbing their limbs, and even if they were to defecate and urinate right there [on our shoulders], we would not in that way ever repay our parents. Even if we were to establish our mother and father as rulers of the whole world, abounding in the seven treasures, we would not in that way repay our parents. Why is that? Mother and father do much for their children. They care for them, they nourish them, they introduce them to this world.

 

"But anyone who rouses one's unbelieving mother and father, settles and establishes them in conviction (confidence, faith), rouses one's unvirtuous mother and father, settles and establishes them in virtue, rouses one's stingy mother and father, settles and establishes them in generosity, rouses one's foolish mother and father, settles and establishes them in wisdom -- to this extent one indeed repays one's mother and father" (AN 2.32).

 

In other words, as the first passage shows, it's fine to appreciate the benefits we've received from rafts and other things without feeling any need to repay them or cling to them. (In this parable the Buddha was referring to the Dharma as a "raft" or vehicle meant for crossing over not for clinging to). We take care of them simply because that enables us to benefit from them more. 

 

The same holds true for difficult people and situations that have forced us to develop strength of character. We can appreciate that we've learned persistence from dealing with... More