It is the biggest commitment two individuals will ever make to one
another. But is it really “for better or for worse?”
In the book Me + You," Anna Bowen examines the trials and tribulations that go along
with saying “I do” as well as the inspiring and heartfelt
explanations of why two individuals decide to spend even part of their lives
together.
Ranging in age from 30 to 87, different couples
share their stories of love, hardship, and why they stay together through
it all.
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A Happy Married Life: Buddhist Perspective
Ven. Sri K. Dhammananda, Ph.D.
The Reality of Married Life
John J. Robinson in his book Of Suchness gives the
following advice on love, sex, and married life.
"Be careful and
discreet; it is much easier to get married than unmarried. If you have
the right mate, it's heavenly, but if not, you live in a
twenty-four-hour daily hell that clings constantly to you; it can be one
of the most bitter things in life.
"Life is indeed strange. Somehow,
when you find the right one, you know it in your heart. It is not just
an infatuation of the moment. But the powerful urges of sex drive a
young person headlong into blind acts, and one cannot trust his feelings
too much.
"This is especially true if one drinks and gets befuddled; the
most lousy sl-t in a dark bar can look like a Venus then, and her charms
become irresistible. Love is much more than sex though; it is the
biological foundation between a man and a woman [or any couple]; love and sex get all
intertwined and mixed up."
 |
| Marriage vow: "...For better or, but not limited to, worse?" (baloo-baloosnon) |
Problems
Almost every day we hear people complaining about their marriages.
Very seldom do we hear stories about a happy marriage. Young people
reading romantic novels and seeing romantic films often conclude that
marriage is a bed of roses.
Unfortunately, marriage is not as sweet as
one thinks. Marriage and problems are interrelated, and people must
remember that when they are getting married, they will have to face
problems and responsibilities that they had never expected or
experienced before.
People often think that it is a duty to get married and that
marriage is a very important event in their lives. However, in order to
ensure a successful marriage, a couple has to harmonize their lives by
minimizing whatever differences they may have between them.
Marital
problems prompted a cynic to say that there can only be a peaceful
married life if the marriage is between a blind wife and a deaf husband,
for the blind wife cannot see the faults of the husband and a deaf
husband cannot hear the nagging of his wife.
Sharing and Trust
One of the major causes of marital problems is suspicion and
mistrust. Marriage is a blessing, but many people make it a curse due to
lack of understanding....
Blinded by Emotions
 |
| "Never change, and I will always love you." |
When two people are in love, they tend to show only the best
aspects of their nature and character to each other in order to project a
good impression of themselves. Love is said to be blind, and hence
people in love tend to become completely oblivious of the darker side of
each other's natures.
In practice, each will try to highlight his or her sterling
qualities to the other. And being so engrossed in love, they tend to
accept each other at "face value" only. Each lover will not disclose the
darker side of his or her nature for fear of losing the other. Any
personal shortcomings are discreetly swept under the carpet, so to
speak, so as not to jeopardize their chances of winning each other.
People in love also tend to ignore their partner's faults thinking that
they will be able to correct them after marriage, or that they can live
with these faults, that "love will conquer all."
However, after marriage, as the initial romantic mood wears off,
the true nature of each other's character will be revealed.
Then, much
to the disappointment of both parties, the proverbial veil that had so
far been concealing the innermost feelings of each partner is removed to
expose the true nature of both partners. It is then that disillusion
sets in.
Material Needs
 |
| "You better start manning up, and stop blaming the economy!" - "But..." (thinkstock/shine) |
Love by itself does not subsist on fresh air and sunshine.
The present world is a materialistic world, and in order to meet our
material needs, proper financing and budgeting is essential. Without it,
no family can live comfortably. Such a situation aptly bears out the
saying, "When poverty knocks at the door, love flies out the
window."
This does not mean that one must be rich to make a marriage
work. However, if one has the basic necessities of life provided through
a secure job and careful planning, many unnecessary anxieties can be
removed from a marriage.
The discomfort of poverty can be averted if there is complete
understanding between the couple. Both partners must understand the
value of contentment. Both must treat all problems as "our problems" and
share all the "ups" and "downs" in the true spirit of a long-standing
life partnership.
Pre-marriage Advice
Realizing that there
could be difficulties with the new in-laws, the girls were enjoined to
give every respect to their mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law, serving
them lovingly as their own parents. They were expected to honor and
respect their new husband's relatives and friends, thus creating a congenial
and happy atmosphere in their new homes.
They were also advised to study and understand their husbands'
natures, ascertain their activities, characters and temperaments, and to
be useful and cooperative at all times in their new homes. ...
10. Premarital Sex
 |
| "Hey, baby, got any money on you?" - "Huh, what?" (opensourcejokes.com) |
Premarital sex is a [pleasure and] problem much discussed in modern
society. Many young people would like to know the [Buddhist] opinion regarding this
sensitive issue....
In the past, young boys and girls were not allowed by their
parents to move around freely until they were married. Their marriages
were also arranged and organized by the parents. Of course, this caused unhappiness in some cases [and happiness in other cases] when parents chose partners on the basis
of money, social status, family obligations, and related issues.
But
generally, the majority of parents did try very hard to choose partners
who would be acceptable to their children.
Today, young people are at the liberty to go out and [see how easy it is to] find their
own partners. They have a lot of freedom and independence in their
lives. This is not a bad thing in itself, but some of these people are
just too young and too immature to see the difference between sexual
attraction and true compatibility. That is why the problem of
pre-marital sex arises.
 |
| "You sure do got a pretty mouth." - "Ugh, what was I thinking!?" (WQ) |
Too much laxity in matters concerning sex has also given rise to
social problems in modern society. The sad part is that some societies
do not express liberal attitudes towards unmarried mothers, illegitimate
children, and the divorcees yet they are quite liberal about free sex.
As a result, young people are being punished by the same society which
encourages free mixing of the sexes. They become social outcasts and
suffer much shame and humiliation. Many young girls have become victims
of their own freedom and have ruined their future by violating age-old
traditions which were valued in the East as well as in the West.
...While Buddhism holds no strong views either for or against such
action, it is thought that all Buddhists, particularly those in love and contemplating marriage, should adhere to the age-old
traditional concept that they maintain chastity until the nuptial date. [Or experiment now and calm down later].
The human mind/heart is unstable and forever changing, with the result that
any illicit action or indiscretion may cause undue harm to either party
if the legal marriage does not take place as expected.
It must be
remembered that any form of sexual indulgence before a proper marriage
is solemnized [may] be looked down upon by the elders who are the
guardians of the young people.
Sexual Misconduct
Laypersons are advised in the Buddha's Teaching to avoid
sexual misconduct. That means, if one wants to experience sex, one must do so
without creating any violence or by using any kind of force, threat or
causing fear.
A decent sex life which respects the other partner is not
against this religion; it accepts the fact that it is a necessity for
those who are not yet ready to renounce the worldly life.
According to Buddhism, those who are involved in extramarital
sex with someone who is already married, who has been betrothed to
someone else, and with someone under the protection of their
parents or guardians are said to be guilty of sexual misconduct.
This is [partly] because
there is a rupture of social norms, where a third party is being made
to suffer as a result of the selfishness of one or the other partner.
Irresponsible Sexual Behavior
The Buddha also mentioned the consequences that an elderly man
would have to face if he married without considering the compatibility
of age of the other party. According to the Buddha, irresponsible sexual
behavior can become the cause of one's downfall in many aspects of
life.
All the nations of the world have clearly defined laws concerning
the abuse of sex. Here again, Buddhism advocates that a person must
respect and obey the law of the country if the laws are made for the
common good.
The following are extracts from a book by the celebrated Japanese author, Dr. Nikkyo Niwano. In his book
The Richer Life, Dr. Niwano deals with matters relating to love and marriage, both from the Eastern and Western points of view....
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AFGHANISTAN - The [CIA's] Taliban destroyed the historic statues a decade ago [2001]. But in a
painstaking process, the two giant carvings of the Buddha are being
reconstructed on the side of a cliff in central Afghanistan [Bamiyan].
