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| What a long, strange trip it's been. |
Her parents split when she was young, and her mother remarried. Her stepfather had once stayed with Osho, the controversial Indian [sex] guru formerly known as Bhagawan Sri Rajneesh.
Osho
Osho is a polarizing figure for many, including Upton. “Honestly, [it] did a lot to damage my perceptions of anything that might be called ‘spiritual,’” she recalls about her teen years.
Her mother encouraged her to follow her heart and supported her through all of the unconventional choices she made in life.
Her academic focus was math and finance; she remembers that time in her life as being “on the rationality train.”
Leaving the world
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| How shall I awaken to the Truth? |
This first led her to Spain, where she volunteered at a small Mahayana Buddhist center. Though she had been living in Sri Lanka with its Theravada Buddhist culture, it was in that small Mahayana monastery that she first resonated with the liberating power of the Four Noble Truths.
Finding the Buddha's Dharma
She began to gravitate towards becoming a Buddhist, but she hesitated because she was not ready to observe one of the core precepts -- abstaining from all intoxicants.
She decided to delay taking that step for a few years until she became “disenchanted” as she got that out of her system.
In 2008, Upton went to Pa Auk Forest Monastery in Burma to plunge into the spiritual life. She remained there for five years. She says of the abbot, “really an incredible monk, incredible!” she explains, recalling Pa Auk Sayadaw:
Pa Auk Sayadaw
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| Most venerable Pa Auk Sayadaw |
Yet, she acknowledges that a powerful commitment as well as stores of patience are needed, as Pa Auk Sayadaw’s rigorous method is not for everyone.
She notes that some yogis (Buddhist practitioners) stay on the monastery grounds just to remain a part of the large and welcoming spiritual community there but do not progress much in their meditation practice; they probably should find another method.
Upton is especially grateful for the supportive environment that Venerable Pa Auk creates for female meditators and nuns, in contrast to what is found elsewhere in Burma (renamed Myanmar by the dictatorship).
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| ["Serenity, Absorption, and Insight at Pa-Auk"] |
Burma becomes Myanmar
In the main part of the interview, conducted before the latest military coup, she waxes eloquent about the heart of the Burmese people. Despite their overall material impoverishment, they have open-handedly given the gift of Dharma (the Buddha’s Teaching) to the world.
They generously and selflessly support those practicing the Dharma in their land, in particular Westerners like Upton. So it is all the more poignant when, in the introductory portion recorded post-coup, she expresses deep sadness and concern about the situation there currently.
She encourages meditators to do whatever they feel they can do in support of Burma.
Meditative absorption
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| The bliss of jhana gets subtler and subtler. |
While one may cling to that profound happiness (sukha), attachment to absorption is less solid than sensory attachment. As the practitioner goes from absorption to absorption (through all eight of them), mental fabrications become increasingly refined and subtle.
One’s attachment similarly becomes more and more ephemeral, moving in the direction of going beyond, transcending all attachments, all grasping and clinging.
She notes that it’s challenging to develop concentration to the depth of full absorption outside of a monastery or meditation center environment, especially in a social space that is unsupportive of a spiritual commitment, as we find in the West.
However, she does point out that some of her Western students have developed profound skill with the blissful absorptions or jhānas.
She has found that many Western meditators have strong investigative minds. This is helpful for insight-practice (vipassana) but works against tranquil jhāna attainments, which are free of discursive thought and full of serenity and contentment.
In Pa Auk Sayadaw’s system, one turns the deeply concentrated (and therefore temporarily purified) mind towards seeing beyond concepts, into the moment-to-moment change of body and mind (ultimate materiality and mentality).
Remembering past lives
One of the practices Pa Auk Sayadaw teaches to those who develop advanced skill in gaining the absorptions is following the thread of mind moments back to and then past the moment of conception.
When asked whether a meditator may not just be fabricating past life memories and experiences while presuming them to be genuine, Upton admits to the possibility. But she notes that the strength of mind a meditator has developed at that level of attainment would be able to discern that.
Through this type of practice, which is the way the historical Buddha taught, one is able to perceive not only past animal and human rebirth but also realms of existence “above” the human world, such as those in angelic (deva) realms [and divine brahma worlds].
The clarity of these direct perceptions causes Upton to question the authority of Western scientific “knowledge.” She refers to it as arrogant, since rational science would deny the reality of what she and others at Pa Auk Forest Monastery claim to be able to directly experience at will.
Come question reality
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| Knowing-and-seeing the world |
Many Western meditators find comfort when interpretations of Dharma theory-and-practice conform to Western scientific views of the world.
She feels that while it’s fine if this perspective allows a meditator to get a foot in the door, other more “fantastic” aspects of Buddhism will naturally be experienced as one’s practice deepens.
She says that the practice reveals one of the characteristics the Buddha used to describe true Dharma, ehipassiko, or “Come see [and verify] for yourself!”
Of course, as she explains, “view” can be taken too far on both sides of the equation — completely denying the possibility of these kinds of experiences, on one hand, and believing any claim at all about them, on the other hand.
To whatever extent one adheres to any kind of view, it merely signifies the degree of attachment one holds. Upton compares it to being in a boat in a stormy sea.
In speaking to adherents of either view, her goal as a teacher is not to knock a yogi off his or her boat into the giant waves, but rather to help them find firm ground to stand on.
This means initially allowing them to ground their practice in whatever belief they hold, after which their unfolding meditative insights will help guide them.
Through this process, their direct understanding, and thus their views based on them, will naturally begin to shift towards what their practice has revealed to them.
Finding a teacher, becoming a teacher
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| There's a lot to be said for nun's practice. |
On the other hand, submission can easily become blind faith, which could lead into dangerous territory.
She addresses the question of how deep the “true” absorptions or jhānas are. Some Western teachers consider “lighter” states of samadhi [stillness or mental coherence] truer to the early sutras.
This is in contrast to the descriptions of deep absorptions as found in the Buddhist Commentaries, which Pa Auk Sayadaw teaches. For Upton, though, it is clear: As the Dharma [the practice of the Buddha’s Teaching] weakens over time, conceptions of jhāna become “watered down.”
Now that she is teaching in the West, Beth Upton feels that “integration” is a very important issue. For her method of meditation, she insists a lot of time and effort is necessary, which necessitates meditation retreats.
However, she observes that too often, the practice becomes divorced from daily life outside the retreat setting, especially given that our society at large is not set up to nurture or support those with a Dharma practice. This is the opposite of the situation in Burma.
So in addition to her retreat schedule, she also looks to build community to help facilitate this integration.
Living in caves
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| Cave life in the free Gypsy suburb |
After leaving Pa Auk Forest Meditation Center and Burma — while still in nun’s robes — she ended up living in a series of caves in southern Spain.
These caves “were inhabited by addicts and criminals. It’s like the Gypsy suburb!” But no one gave her any problems. Instead, some approached her asking to be taught meditation.
She adds, “so we turned it into a little rebellious meditation community! Beautiful times, really good times, I learned a lot there.”
She has also practiced under a couple of other teachers since leaving Burma, such as the famous British Theravada master Ajahn Brahm, not so much to change her practice as to enlarge her teacher toolkit.
After she disrobed in 2018, the transition to lay life was a little rough. After so many years in Buddhist robes, she had to relearn some “life skills,” in particular those regarding money.
Monastics at Pa Auk Forest Monastery are prohibited by the Monastic Disciplinary Code (Vinaya) from handling money — so she never had to think about it as a Buddhist nun.
She realized staying in robes for so long was in fact becoming a kind of avoidance of entanglement with this aspect of the mundane world.
And it was around this time that she became involved in a non-sexual yet abusive relationship, which she opens up about in a vulnerable and honest way.
It was the most suffering she ever experienced, and at the time did not see how any of the skills she had learned on the cushion could help her.
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| After the ecstasy, the laundry: back in the world |
At first she thought, “Maybe this is my fault.” Then she thought, “I’ll just send mettā [loving kindness], and it will be all right.”
Eventually, she worked her way out of that challenging relationship. In retrospect, she learned a lot.
“If you are able to meditate deeply, there's a choice to pick up a degree of self and enter the world. And when we do that, we need a certain set of tools that we're not taught as monastics.”
So now, both as a meditator and as a teacher, she is integrating meditative skills and life skills, balancing a “soft inner, trusting core” with a “harder, protective, outer layer.” More CONTINUED IN PART 2
- To learn more about Beth Upton’s teachings, visit her website (bethupton.com)
- VIDEO: Buddhist teacher Beth Upton on YouTube
- Dharma Buddhist Meditation (Disclosure Project)
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