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| I don't want to hear it. I want an apology! I want change. Or get the heil out of your house. - But this is my house. - That's what I said. Now get out! (thinkstock/shine) |
Many wonder and worry about
being cheated on -- and some have to work very hard to recover from this devastating experience.
Match.com hosted a
live chat with relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, best-selling
author of Don’t Bet on the Prince! How To Have The Man You Want by Betting on Yourself.
Here is wise advice on how lies and infidelity threaten a
relationship to navigate
rocky romantic territory.
Q: What is the main reason for cheating in relationships?
Dr. G: Many reasons, it’s what they saw in the house they grew up in, their buddies are doing it, because they don’t feel good about themselves, the relationship is crashing, don’t want to deal with reality, so self-centered and egocentric that all s/he can think of is me, me, me. All singles should make sure to size somebody up before becoming deeply emotionally involved. See a behavior pattern from the past and predict future behavior.
Related: 7 signs your honey may cheat
Q: How do people deal with the guilt of cheating?
Q: What is the main reason for cheating in relationships?
Dr. G: Many reasons, it’s what they saw in the house they grew up in, their buddies are doing it, because they don’t feel good about themselves, the relationship is crashing, don’t want to deal with reality, so self-centered and egocentric that all s/he can think of is me, me, me. All singles should make sure to size somebody up before becoming deeply emotionally involved. See a behavior pattern from the past and predict future behavior.
Related: 7 signs your honey may cheat
Q: How do people deal with the guilt of cheating?
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| It's not me, it's you. - Oh, brother. |
Dr. G: Somebody who cheats is looking for justification and
rationalization more than anything else. S/he usually finds a
way out in his or her own mind so that there isn’t any guilt. It’s often
the person who’s cheated on who feels that he or she must have done
something wrong to have caused it. My advice is to look more carefully
at what’s going on before taking the blame.
Q: What exactly is the definition of cheating?
Dr. G: It can be flirting or it can be kissing. Many people spend lots of time on the telephone/computer flirting with somebody when they should instead be investing that very valuable time in their relationship at home. Would you want your loved one to be doing what you’re doing?
Related: Confessions: 7 reasons why women cheat
Q: Do you agree with the phrase, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”?
Dr. G: I think people can change, but they have to want to in order for it to stick. You can’t make somebody change!
Q: Is it true that, at some point, all men cheat?
Dr. G: It can be flirting or it can be kissing. Many people spend lots of time on the telephone/computer flirting with somebody when they should instead be investing that very valuable time in their relationship at home. Would you want your loved one to be doing what you’re doing?
Related: Confessions: 7 reasons why women cheat
Q: Do you agree with the phrase, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”?
Dr. G: I think people can change, but they have to want to in order for it to stick. You can’t make somebody change!
Q: Is it true that, at some point, all men cheat?
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| My wife doesn't understand me. - Who? |
Dr. G: That’s definitely not the case. Plenty of women are
cheaters, too. Men are not cheating alone; they are cheating with women.
Every time I answer a question about cheating, I get tons of emails
from men (and plenty of women, too) saying they are in the same
situation -- cheating on their mates.
Related: 8 clues that a cheater has changed
Q: I just ended a relationship that was full of lies. How do I trust again?
Dr. G: Trust is the most difficult thing to build in any relationship. You must start to trust yourself and your own instincts about people. Trust your ability to assess different people who come into your life. It’s going to take some time, so don’t try to rush it. But I also don’t want you to go out on dates and go through this whole speech about how you were cheated on and that you find it very hard to trust again.
Q: I just ended a relationship that was full of lies. How do I trust again?
Dr. G: Trust is the most difficult thing to build in any relationship. You must start to trust yourself and your own instincts about people. Trust your ability to assess different people who come into your life. It’s going to take some time, so don’t try to rush it. But I also don’t want you to go out on dates and go through this whole speech about how you were cheated on and that you find it very hard to trust again.
Related: Can a cheater truly change?
Q: I believe that my partner of two years is cheating. What are the main signs to look for?
Dr. G: Has your partner started to care more about what he or she looks like? Has this person stopped listening closely to what you say? Does your mate make excuses for not showing up on time, or not showing up at all? In general, you feel in your gut that something has changed. I believe everyone knows, subconsciously, that his or her partner is cheating when that’s what is going on.
Related: Are you two meant to last?
Q: I separated from my husband due to his affair with a woman much older than me. I’m younger, in better shape and fairly intelligent, so why did this affect my self-esteem so badly?
Dr. G: What you have just learned is that being attracted to somebody has very little to do with age, looks, and all these other things. Being attracted to someone comes from the way that other person makes you feel. For your next relationship find out what was lacking in your marriage so you grow from the experience.
Related: Traits unhappy couples have in common
Q: Is being with someone just to avoid loneliness ever justified?
Dr. G: No, no, no. That reminds me of the line in the movie Jerry Maguire: “You complete me.” In reality, nobody can complete anybody else; the key to successful dating is to be complete before you enter into a relationship.
Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D. gives Instant Advice worldwide via Skype, email, phone.
She is the 30-Second Therapist for Today.com. Her books
include 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats.
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