Craving for enlightenment is craving (Ajahn Chah)

Ajahn Chah (ajahnchah.org) via Ven. Sujato, Ellie Askew, Dhr. Seven (ed.), Wisdom Quarterly

What the Buddha thought. Let go, let it all go.

[Meditating with craving.] People who have studied a lot who have all the theory down pat tend not to succeed with meditation.

Why is that? It's because they get stuck at the level of [intellectual] information. In actuality, the mind isn't something that we can really measure using external standards or text books.

If it's really getting calm, allow it to become calm. In this way, it can proceed to reach the loftiest levels of tranquility.

My own knowledge of the theory and texts (sutras) was only modest. I've already told some of the monks about the time I was practicing in my third Rains Retreat; I still had many questions and doubts about samadhi [mental unification, coherence].

I kept trying to work it out with my thoughts, and the more I meditated, the more restless and agitated the mind became.

In fact, it was so bad that I would actually feel more peaceful when I wasn't meditating. It was really difficult. But even though it was difficult, I kept going, I persisted, I didn't give up.

I kept right on practicing just the same. If I simply did the practice [meditation and mindfulness, calm and insight] without having any expectations about the results, it was fine.

But if I determined to make my mind calm and one-pointed [which is called "efforting"], it would just make things worse. I couldn't work it out. "Why is it like this?" I asked myself.

What changed? (Beginner's Mind)

Later on I began to realize that it's the same as with the matter of breathing. If one determines to take only short breaths -- or to take only medium sized breaths, or to take only long breaths -- it seems like a difficult thing to do.

On the other hand, when we are walking around, unaware of whether the breath is going in or out, we are comfortable and at ease. I realized that the practice is similar.

Normally, when people are walking around and not meditating on the breath, do they ever suffer because of their breathing? No. It's not really such a problem.

But if I sat down and determined to make my mind calm, it would automatically become grasping, obsessive (upadana), and there was clinging in there, too.

I became so determined to force the breath to be a certain way, either short or long, that it became uneven, and it was impossible to concentrate or keep my mind on it.

So then I was suffering even more than I had been before I started meditating. Why was that, why was I suffering? It was because my determination itself became attachment [expectations, clinging to the results]. It shut off awareness, and I couldn't get any results.

Everything was burdensome and difficult because [without realizing] I was taking craving into the practice with me.

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  What kind of mess did I get myself into?

  Let that _ _ _ _ go: We people, we go through life blindly, ignoring death like revelers at a party feasting on all kinds of food. We ignore that later we'll have to go to the toilet. We get so caught up, we don't bother to find out where there is one. So when nature finally calls, we have no idea where to go and are in a mess.