Bad relationship? A path to healing

Contributor Cathy Chester (award-winning blogger at “An Empowered Spirit”), Huffington Post, 12/6/17; Ashley Wells, X, Crystal Q. (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly

A path to healing: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you”

Illness. Heartache. Fear. Sadness. Disappointment.

The words dangle before my eyes, suspended in midair as if to taunt me. They hang in the balance as constant reminders of what is now.

I close my eyes tightly, hoping they’ll disappear. But when I open them they dance wildly as if to mock me for the hope that went unanswered.

What do you women desire? - You look hungry, Ascetic. Let me nurture you with this rice milk.

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I don’t have the corner on pain and suffering. It’s our [karmic] misfortune that no one escapes this life without experiencing it [as the Buddha points out in the Four Ennobling Truths is true of all states of existence, even the blissful one, which are all ultimately unsatisfactory or flawed and therefore disappointing].

But this year I’ve had more than my share of disappointments, my own illness and illness of loved ones, and a great deal of sadness, in ways that I never imagined. 

After speaking with my closest friends they agreed on one thing: Write about it.

So I’ll try, in my own way, to explain my thoughts without being too maudlin. I know people mean well when they offer trite platitudes like “When one window closes another one opens” or “We all get as much as the Lord thinks we can handle” but honestly, I don’t agree that our problems will be solved by those phrases.

I believe we are helped by the important lessons we learn from others’ examples, and the brilliance we absorb from stories we read by the Masters.

That is what lifts our spirits to be able to face whatever comes our way.

When I graduated from elementary school, my oldest brother gave me a book that I cherish to this day. It was The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, and I quickly devoured it.

As I allowed the words to wash over me, something powerful began to happen. It was as if an inner silence suddenly sprung to life. Looking back I realize that feeling was the beginning of my lifelong love (and need) of philosophy and spirituality.

What Kahlil Gibran offers us is a way to look at our life from a different perspective.

The words of great philosophers and poets (including songwriters like Dylan and Springsteen), literary figures, world leaders and men and women of peace can give us comfort during troubled times. There are also not-so-famous people, ordinary folks who live their lives with integrity and compassion. They also provide us with the tools we need to live in an imperfect world.

Kahlil Gibran wrote:

“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”

Powerful stuff, isn’t it? Gibran taught me at a young age that my attitude would be the key to a life of joy and wholeness.

Of course at the time my problems were more about boyfriends and getting good grades. But today his ideas ease my way through the greatest of life’s burdens, and it’s been helpful to have them emblazoned on my heart to use when I needed them.

I was recently introduced to [the American Buddhist nun] Pema Chodron, a notable figure in Tibetan Buddhism whose words I’ve been listening to on my daily walks.

She’s provided me with many “aha” moments.

On one walk I listened to her speak about what to do when things fall apart, and how to deal with the fear that’s in your life. To paraphrase she tells us:

When things fall apart or you feel fear, rather than feel you’re getting the short end of the stick, feel lucky. Only when you feel fear will you feel the opportunity to have the courage to grow.

Being courageous and having a great life is all about being intimate with fear in a wise and graceful way. Feel the fear, and then do what needs to get done. Rather than being depressed about fear, lean into it, and see it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Facing our fears about failure, loss or illness is important to acknowledge. We must work through them, and then we move on. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I should know. I’m still working on it. More