Falling in love? Here’s what science says

Stephanie L. King, Arielle Tschinkel Daily Oprah; Ashley Wells, CC Liu (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly

Think you’re falling in love? Here’s what science says

Wondering whether it's really, truly love when falling for someone?

"Manifestation" to make someone love?

Chances are, it's probably already been asked of a close friend or family member, "See any telltale signs?" If they're like most people, they probably responded with "a person just knows," "it's hard to describe," or something equally vague — all of which, needless to say, is pretty unhelpful.

Wondering whether it's love or LUST? While emotions are different for everyone, here are some expert-approved signs that what a feeling is love [with the hidden danger of attachment, craving, and lack of fulfillment that will lead to tremendous pain or dukkha yet again].

But just as there is no hard-and-fast rule for how long it takes to fall in love, there's no set checklist for how to know if what one is feeling is the real deal -- or how long it will take to get over.

Some people know after a single moment; others develop the feelings after months or even years of small gestures. That said, though, there are some common (and scientifically-backed) signals that it's likely love rather than just infatuation.

If we're talking about those all-encompassing [feelings of infatuation when one] "can't eat, can't sleep" feelings that let us know we're living a real-life version of our own ridiculous rom-com, we're doomed.

The top overrated emotion of the year? Lust.

For instance, if we feel the need to share even the smallest moments of our day with our person, and maybe we discover that his/her interests are suddenly becoming our interests, too, that's a sign.

Or perhaps we seamlessly start rearranging our schedule to make more time for our partner. And, of course, we might start wondering — perhaps even daydreaming — about the moment when our special someone will admit s/he "loves" us, too, or will have babies with us or ask us to change our last name.

Ahead, we ask therapists, researchers, and other relationship experts to share the classic indications that one is, indeed, falling in "love." So now, all we have to do is prepare to say those three big words. 

We want to share our world with this person. Dawoon Kang, co-founder and co-CEO of online dating platform Coffee Meets Bagel, tells Oprah Daily, “Falling in love is different for everyone,” adding she believes in Robert J. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, which identifies three main aspects: 

1. intimacy (the desire to feel closely connected),
2. passion (physical and emotional stimulation), and
3. decision/commitment (the resolve to stick together).

“You don’t need all three components to know that you’re falling in love, but they are strong indicators that you’re on the way,” she explains.

“But don't conclude that someone isn't falling in love with you because they aren't showing the same exact signals as you do.” That said, the most telling sign, according to Kang, is if we find ourselves wanting to divulge as much as we can with our love interest, from a small win at work to our relationship history.

“I knew I was falling in love with my now-husband, Jack, when I found myself calling him every night, wanting to share every little detail about my day and wanting to know about his,” she said.

The person is always in our thoughts. Sure, it might be trite — but it’s true. We know we’re falling in love when our someone begins to take up major real estate in our thoughts. We might find ourselves rehashing our conversations in the middle of work, thinking about our next date days in advance, or even envisioning our future together.

For Kang, she remembers re-reading her husband's text messages and viewing his photos over and over again when they first began dating because she thought about him so often. And we're dying to know if s/he loves us, too.

If we find ourselve considering whether this person feels similarly and we look for signs that s/he's missing us, too, that's another signifier, Dr. Jacqueline Olds, M.D., an associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, tells Oprah Daily.

“Your stomach and heart may take a leap every time they contact you or suggest spending time together,” adds Dr. Olds, who has completed extensive research on long-term marriage, alongside her husband of 41 years, Dr. Dick Schwartz, M.D. (The couples therapists co-wrote Marriage in Motion: The Natural Ebb and Flow of Lasting Relationships.)

Along this same vein, if we’re falling in love, we tend to experience a warm feeling when we think about our significant other, according to Kang. That may mean we can't stop smiling or we might notice that we generally feel more positive and hopeful. [We're doomed.] More