Women can't change the men they love

Rebecca V. Bullion, YourTango, 7/18/22; Ashley Wells, CC Liu (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly

The real reason women can't change the men they love

It used to be said, "Oh, she will make a good man out of him." There was an era in the past when we thought like that and, perhaps, it was worse in the South, where traditional roles were so strongly taught.

Boundaries? Can't you just tell me what to do?

It is partly true though: Good love helps each person and heals their wounds and built-up negative defenses. When two people love each other, they inspire one another to always strive to do better for the good of "the relationship." Right? Everyone thinks that way. Right?

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One strategy here for "gridlock reduction" is that it has to be established firmly and clearly up front that both parties have the same vision for a happy relationship, This must be discussed and agreed on, line item by line item.

If one of the line items is "Don't try to change me" then is the person really ready for a relationship? Or do they just want all the benefits and accolades in a relationship without any degree of work?

I often tell my clients, "There are three people in your relationship: you, the significant other, and the relationship." This simply means that if we look at this as 3 versus 2, it can make things a little easier and decrease the power struggle. (Again, the only problem with this model is that both people have to have the same vision for a successful and happy relationship),

So can men change? The truth is...NO, they can't. The truth is that men tend to feel emasculated and not good enough when a woman tries to get them to make too many "adjustments" or "modifications."

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So how can a woman communicate that she's asking for a change? For starters, being respectful is always the answer to how to deliver the message. The "what" of the message needs to be constructed in an "I feel...when you..." statement.

For example, "I feel angry and hurt when you use that tone of voice, and I would like you to soften it." Nevertheless, the one thing I think most men would put somewhere at the top of the line item list is actually the "Don’t try to change me" request.

With this, he most likely asks for that respect and acceptance of him the way he is.

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If the woman wants to come into his life and start rearranging the furniture in there, there has to be a balance between these two tendencies — to stay the same and to move things forward by molding and melding lives into a cohesive unit.

Communication and boundaries are the way out of any conflict. And, again, so is accepting that the person is happy with who they are and sees no need to rearrange to become "relationship ready." So take a lot of time to be friends first.

Don’t get swept away to Fantasy Island. [Too late!] Remember that small adjustments, when maintained over time, become a change. But if they don't show signs of being a good match and won’t grow with you, whether male or female, no matter what the magic zodiac sign combo is, move on. More

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Watch YourTango Experts discuss why you should never try to change your man: This article originally appeared on YourTango. More

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"People don't change."

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that sentence, I'd be mega rich. And it is a SENTENCE, not just a grammatical one: Those words sentence the speaker and partner to a future where substantive life changes are impossible. This sentence is not true. The problem is that I used to not only believe this, I was a primary perpetrator of what I now see as a widely accepted cultural myth. It's been a while since I've stopped making that claim but now, I'm on a roll about clarifying that people CAN and DO change. [They just can't be changed by others who try to change them.] More

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