Zen monk: No. 1 Thing About Happiness

Contributor Jeffrey Marsh, CNBC, 6/15/23; CC Liu, Crystal Q. (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly

Koans are an integral component of Zen practice: What's the sound of one hand slapping?

I lived as a monk and studied Zen for 20 years: Here’s the No. 1 thing people miss about happiness

Maura O'Hollaran left Boston

Many of us are taught to believe that we need to be in perfect control of our lives in order to be successful or accepted. But that mindset made me unhappy for years.

Growing up nonbinary, I spent a lot of time escaping to an imaginary world where I controlled everything, including what other people thought of me.

I constantly chased this idea that if I could just get that partner, that job, or that money and acclaim, I could finally relax and be happy.

To break this toxic mental habit, I did something drastic: I moved to the woods and lived among a community of Buddhists.

• *This is an adapted [and edited] excerpt from Take Your Own Advice by Jeffrey Marsh (published by TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC) Copyright © 2023 by Jeffrey Marsh.

I have since spent 20 years studying Zen Buddhism. At the monastery, I learned a valuable lesson about happiness that people often overlook:

We can't control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we [react and how we] treat ourselves.

Allowing ourselves to feel happy, no matter what our life looks like, is the key to real happiness.

Struggling for control won't make us happier

Leonard Cohen went from Hollywood up into the woods of LA's Zen Mountain Center.

.

Why? When we hold on to the need for control, we start to feel responsible for all outcomes of our life. But can we really control what people think of us, or who does or doesn't give us a chance, or who we'll date, or where we'll get a job?

Julia found happiness in a tree named Luna.

We might have some say in these things, but so much of life is unpredictable — and that's part of what makes it beautiful. Unpredictability connects us all.

Another problem with the need to control is that it makes us constantly chase after a life we aren't living, making it hard to appreciate the one we do have.

For example, right now, we might be worried about finding the perfect partner. In a few years, it might be finding the perfect job.

How to let go of the desire to control

If I controlled love then I'd be happy.

If we FREE ourselves from the need to control everything, we can experience more happiness and gratitude RIGHT NOW in the present.

Here are some ways to get started:

1. Stop and reflect. Let's think about all the ways we're focusing on an imaginary future instead of the present. We can ask ourselves:

• Do we sometimes let our need to control the future get in the way of enjoying the present moment?
• When do we tend to do that and why? It is essential to honor our dreams, but how can we put some of that energy into the most important things in our life today?
• What can we be grateful for right now?

Living on Luna, saving trees, made me happy

2. Redefine unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves. Can we find that voice in our head that keeps reminding us of the need for control?

• Let's tell that voice, in no uncertain terms, that we are not living to impress it.
• Imagine living a life where that inner voice is irrelevant.
• Instead, we can direct that energy toward things that give us a sense of joy and peace.

3. Let's allow ourselves to be happy in the present moment.

• Let's close our eyes, take three slow breaths, and give ourselves permission to feel happy. 

If I move to the woods, can I meditate Zen?

TIPS: When we find ourselves struggling, think about why that is.

I've found that when people think about giving up control and letting life guide them, fear can get in the way. There will always be stressful situations that need our attention, like taking care of the people in our life.

But we can let happiness in by shifting our focus from future-oriented fears to the present.

We deserve to roll with the life we've got. We deserve to flow with the unexpected and not "have it all together."

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jeffrey Marsh (they/them) is one of the world's foremost commentators on nonbinary identity and activism. Their TikToks and compassionate short-form videos have garnered over one billion views. Marsh's How To Be You was the first nonbinary memoir, and they are the first nonbinary author to sign a book deal with any "Big 5" publisher worldwide. Their latest book, Take Your Own Advice, is out now.

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