Ocean DeRouchie (The Link); TopThink; Amber Larson, Dhr. Seven (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly
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| Crying, sadness, regret, self-care -- when I tried to know myself (cdn.taboola.com). |
[A 10-day free course in Goenka's version of] Vipassana meditation is the craziest shit you’ll ever do
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| Dhamma Wheel/Dharmachakra (iopan) |
Misery is a complex thing. More often than not, we know when we are feeling shitty. Less frequently, however, do we know the root of our suffering.
Our aversion to facing ourselves perpetuates an inner climate of denial and sadness.
Following a conversation I had with a complete stranger about anxiety and coping mechanisms, I found myself walking through the doors of the Quebec Vipassana Meditation Centre in Montebello looking to understand myself and to find some kind of closure to things that I hadn’t yet resolved.
The typical vipassana ("insight") meditation course is drawn out over ten days. The practice is largely founded on the principle of accepting the present as it is.
- [All free 10-day Goenka vipassana retreats worldwide strive to be identical. Apply to attend one nearby at dhamma.org. Free to first time "new" students.]
For the first three days, we practiced anapana [-sati, "mindfulness of in-and-out-breathing"].
Focusing solely on the triangular space [under and] around the nostrils and the Cupid’s bow, the soft bit of skin above the upper lip, I learned to hone my awareness to feel subtle sensations in that area. For me, it felt like tiny flecks of electricity dancing across my face.
Focusing solely on the triangular space [under and] around the nostrils and the Cupid’s bow, the soft bit of skin above the upper lip, I learned to hone my awareness to feel subtle sensations in that area. For me, it felt like tiny flecks of electricity dancing across my face.
On Day 4, we learned to begin scanning our bodies from the top of our heads to the tips of our toes slowly, carefully. Through this simple technique, it’s believed that we can [calm body and mind to prepare the mind for developing insight to] find inner peace and harmony.
After the first meditation session, we took a vow of silence. Goenka chanted in Pali -- the sacred language of Theravada Buddhism -- in a deep, grumbling voice [that sounds like he's from Transylvania with an Indian accent].
We shyly attempted to repeat his words. The delicate voices of 60 women gradually filled the meditation hall with a beautiful, harmonic sound until the chanting abruptly ended.
We agreed not to speak, touch, or even look at each other for the next ten days. Twice a day, we ate [free delicious vegetarian food] in silence, the only sound the clinking of utensils against plates and bowls.
A subtle smile from another meditator became a cherished yet outlawed interaction.
Each day brought a different storm. According to Goenka’s evening [recorded] discourse, most people find that Day 2 and Day 6 are the hardest. I mean, on the second day I saw a woman run outside into the darkness and never return, but we don’t need to talk about that.
On the third day, I found myself experimenting with meditation techniques I had learned in the past -- something that the Centre emphasizes you shouldn’t do.
[Bad trip hallucinating]
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| I am freaking out, man, freaking out! (Askew) |
I felt a powerful vibration go through my body [possibly prana going through the body's chakra system], and a gross sensation took over and swept me up into a sea of disturbing, DMT-esque mental imagery that seemed to promise -- but never to deliver -- enlightenment.
- [This is so far from what "enlightenment" or bodhi actually is that it is not worth correcting.]
I tried to speak with the instructor, Rachel, about it.
“You are supposed to focus on this area, nothing else,” she replied, circling her nose with her index finger. “You cannot bring your old practices here.”
“It was so powerful though, I —” [I tried to explain.]
“Don’t argue with me,” she said sternly, cutting me off mid-explanation.
Feeling angry, uncertain and unsafe, I went back to my room and thought about what gave her that authority. I resented Rachel for not validating what I’d experienced.
“With one leg on the white horse, the other leg on the black horse, you’re bound to fall through the middle,” I’d hear later that evening on the Goenka recording.
I then realized that you had to dedicate yourself to one technique to allow it to work the way it’s supposed to.
I cried constantly throughout the week. I cried constantly throughout the week. ...I burst into tears as I suddenly thought...I wept in the meditation hall, muffling my sobs with my blanket, which I pulled over my head as terrible thoughts polluted my consciousness.
I pictured my family dying, my loved ones committing horrible acts, and the world ending. I felt trapped by the unending and explosive chain of dark thoughts, reactions, and misery.
The concept of sankara, which loosely means “reactions,” explained my feeling of eternal misery.
- [Sankaras=“patterns, habitual reactions, mental formations.”]
I pictured sankara as a collection of little rocks in my stomach -- miseries that piled up over the years. Sankara is your “craving” and “aversion.” It’s the reason why we’re all so sad.
And apparently you can eradicate it through meditation.
I had to find an OUT from my sankara. I knew there would be no relief in giving up. Leaving the course early would mean returning home with an open wound. So I decided that I would stay to try to close it.
As time went on, I found safety in the meditation and in the powerful beauty of a group of women silently confiding in each other.
I grew fond of Rachel’s simple responses to my complex worries. I found a dormant creative energy within myself that I had forgotten existed. Put simply, I went into THE VOID and came out known. More
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