Thursday, April 30, 2009

FEAR: What to do about the Flu

I. Ronic (WQ Special Correspondent)
MEGALOPOLIS, Gaia -- Be afraid, very afraid. Fear, that's the most important thing! Fear prevents least it feels like it does. Okay, it causes illness. But fear makes you feel like you're doing something useful. So obey authorities, be fearful, and don't bother them with questions.

Instead, help out: Demand your local government purchase flu vaccines and allopathic drugs from large pharmaceutical cor-porations. Especially if Rumsfeld is on their board. Price should be no object. Do it for the kids. Big Pharma is your friend, and we're here for you. I mean, they're here for us. A drug is not a drug if it's used as medicine.

Who's to say the price is to high anyway? "Price goug-ing" helps the economy. And you do want to help the economy, don't you?? Gouging is in the eye of the gouger.

Discourage foreign travel. (Sorry, no refunds). So don't bother the attendant at the ticket counter. We might have to call security. Just be glad you didn't go. Stay home. Avoid other people. Watch more TV. Shop the Web.

We have a great special on surgical masks. Nothing sells like fear. We can hardly keep them in stock. So get yours now, be the first on your block, show those Jones who's who. And remember, be afraid, very afraid, even more afraid than that.

PHOTOS: Rumsfeld at the Pentagon; foreign tourists wearing surgical masks in Mexico

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