Wisdom Quarterly: American Buddhist Journal: JOKES: Buddhists are funny! (video)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

JOKES: Buddhists are funny! (video)

LA Buddhists Seth Auberon, Jordan Kramer, Frank Miles, Wisdom Quarterly (edited by Seven); Scandinavian Lutherans Garrison Keillor and Friends; Italian lapsed-Catholics Eddie Pepitone, Jimmy Dore; east/west coast atheists Sarah Silverman and David Feldma...

The Buddha Gautama's always smiling, just as the next Buddha Maitreya will be (Malovika)

Monk Budai (Hotei) aka "Happy Buddha"

We don't know for certain if Buddhists are the funniest, but Wisdom Quarterly aims to make it so. It's tough keeping up with the atheists and agnostics of all ethnicities and religious persuasions, who seem to make the best comedians. Here are some gags to give your friends the giggles.

1. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A not a...

Anatta who?

*Crickets chirping*

2. This is not a pot belly; it's a fuel tank for a sex machine.

AUDIO: "Groundhog Dayne"

Tig has c*nc*r; go ahead, laugh (NewYorkTimes)

(ThisAmericanLife.org) Famous people are supposed to be somewhere else, invisible to us. Comedienne Tig Notaro tells a story about repeatedly running into Taylor Dayne, who was a pop star in the late 80s and early 90s. Tig hosts the podcast Professor Blastoff and has a comedy album called Good One. (16 mins.)

3. The last thing, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. It's on the list, but it's the last thing.

Whoop-whoop, let's hear it for me, MB in DC!

4. When Mitt Romney went up to concede the election to Barry Obama, Anne Romney got on stage with him. Then when Mitt finally conceded, Anne breathed a sigh of relief. She really wasn't looking forward to moving into a smaller house.

5. "VOTE! It's your right! (Offer not available in all states)."

6. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Lilac.

Lilac who?

Lie like a politician and see how far you get.

"Ellen" talks to Suri's mom Katie (Anne Hathaway) on SNL (and says hi to Nicki Minaj tots)

7. Did you hear about the Buddhist coroner who got fired? He was great at his job. They just couldn't get him to stop writing "Birth" as the cause of death for every single one of his cases.

Our nerd friends are geniuses

8. The Dalai Lama went into a pizza parlour and said, uh, something-something. "Make me one with everything"? No, no, he walked up to a hotdog stand barefoot in New York and got overcharged. He's always walking and always barefoot. He asked, "Where's my change?!" Then the vendor said something funny, but what was it? Something like, "Change comes from within"? No, no, he was barefoot, reeking from all the garlic on his pizza. He cried out in pain on account of a toothache from all the junk food. So the vendor directed him to the nearest dentist. The dentist saw that a tooth had to be pulled and asked His Holiness if he wanted some Novocaine, while offering him a breath-freshening mint. The old lama, as weak as he was, said "no," explaining that he would "transcend dental medication." And that's why he's known throughout the world as the "super-calloused fragile mystic exhibiting halitosis."

"Life in Hell" creator Matt Groening

9. An American tourist walks into a creepy old clock shop in Germany. The repairman barks: So? Vut seems to vee zee problem!? It's this antique grandfather clock I just bought, the tourist explains; it doesn't go "tick-tock, tick-tock." It just goes "tick, tick, tick..." Mmm-Hmm! relishes the repairman. I sink vee can fix zis. Let mee jusst look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock. 9. They found a big hole in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

10. How do you find a vegan at a party? Don't worry, she'll find you.

The human Barbie doll (buzzfeed)

11. A ventriloquist was bombing on stage and desperately wondering what he could do to turn his act around. He suddenly remembered that when he was a stand-up, he could always get laughs telling Dumb Blond jokes. He started in on some standards, and before long he had the crowd roaring with laughter. Just as soon as he did, an angry blond in the back stood up and began to excoriate him: "Do you have any idea what it's like trying to live in this society with people like you perpetuating those kinds of stereotypes? The anguish I feel every time I apply for a job and they see that I'm blond and prejudge me..." The ventriloquist was dumbfounded, his jaw dropped, he turned beet red, as he struggled to apologize and explain. "Shut up!" the woman hurled. "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to the little guy sitting on your lap."

12. A rich man married a young blond. "How are you ever going to keep her around?" his rich friends lamented. I'm not worried, he explained. I've got a circular driveway.

Marilyn Monroe photos fetch $750,000

(eddiepepitone.com)

13. A fundamentalist Christian preacher and a Catholic priest sat next to each other on a plane. When the flight attendant asked what they'd like to drink, the priest asked for a glass of wine. The preacher asked for water mentioning that true Christians avoid alcohol. The priest argued, "But Jesus drank wine" [lightly fermented Nazarene fruit juice in place of water]. The fundamentalist shot back, "I know, and I would have thought a lot more of him if he hadn't."

14. The blond scientists unveiled their plan to get a rocket to the moon. The crowd roared with laughter. The moderator asked about what he saw as an obvious problem: How do you intend to avoid being burned up? "Oh, that won't be a problem," one of the blond scientists explained. "We plan to go at night." End of Part 1 in three-part Wisdom Quarterly series