Everything ZEN? "Optimistic nihilism" - Nothing matters, but it's OK

Do what you did to Bart to me, Lisa. I want to be Big Fat Buddha. - His name is Budai, Dad, and he's NOT the Buddha. He is a jolly bodhisattva with a big candy sack . - Ooh, Santa Budai!

Maha Kassapa smiles at a flower.

Is optimistic nihilism a healthy way of life? In the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the original BBC Radio series before the books, there's a very funny scene in an exchange between the human, Arthur Dent, and a stranger on the planet of Magrathea, a mythical planet that builds planets and therefore couldn't possibly exist. But here it is.

• VIDEO: "Optimistic nihilism" is when we take the attitude of "nothing matters, but it's okay

The stolen ship, The Heart of Gold, which is powered by the new infinite improbability drive, has found it. (Zaphod Beeblebrox, the president of the galaxy, stole it when he was meant to be launching it so he could carry out this secret plan, which first includes getting here to Magrathea).

The crew has entered and left poor Arthur on the surface, where he runs into the Magrathean Slartibartfast, who builds planets and who made the fjords of Earth. He is now working on Earth Mark II.

"Don't panic" (Douglas Adams)

Arthur Dent can't believe his ears, a reference to Earth so far out in space? Earth really is significant and special! But now it's all gone, destroyed by the Vogons.

Arthur, reflecting in this way, asks Slartibartfast a philosophical question about the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Slartibartfast gives a very strange answer.

The question runs something like, "What's the meaning of it all?"

Zen Master Bart* or Lisa Simpson? (Matt Groening)

Slartibartfast replies, "I say, 'Hang the sense of it'! I far rather be 

happy than right any day."

"And are you?" Arthur interjects with awe.

"No," Slartibartfast laments, "that's where it all falls down of course."

It's a nice philosophy but he -- and one suspects most of us -- can't live up to it. We'd far rather be happy than right, but we are neither happy nor right.

(It sort of gives a boost to those of us who'd far rather be right than happy, though, sadly, we're not right either most of the time, and as for happy? Fuhgeddaboudit.)

So what's the chance any of us are going to pull off this optimistic nihilism?

Optimistic? Okay, if we can manage it or set it as our default option and not worry. Nihilism? Easy, for some of us, all bleak, depressive, laughing at Woody Allen quips at the absurdity of things. WATCH

How to be happy and get saved?

Cosmic Amitabha [God] Buddha

*Does anyone remember that episode of The Simpsons when a psychologist decides that Bart is the healthiest person in Springfield? The doctor finds Bart the most "Zen." He's spontaneous, unpremeditated, artless, authentic, speaks his mind. He's so healthy everyone decides to be like him, and Bart hates it. Suddenly his uniqueness is taken away.

These attributes really are aspirations of Zen Buddhism, according to Alan Watts. The reason for it seems rooted in Taoism more than in what the historical Buddha taught. But it all comes down to a great division that occurred in Mahayana Buddhism, the great Tariki versus Jiriki Debate, whether salvation (enlightenment, awakening, spiritual liberation, emancipation, moksha, freedom, nirvana) is to be attained by our power (efforts) or other power (the efforts of something extrinsic), by our force or an outside force).

What patriarchal Mahayana Buddhism needs is a Goddess of Compassion, a Mary: Guanyin

.

The historical Buddha Gautama (Gandhara)

The historical Buddha taught a path of our own efforts, but many later Mahayana Buddhists deviated back to the world-popular path of blind faith, intense devotion, petitioning a higher power to do it for us.

This is never what the Buddha taught, but it makes more philosophical sense: Since we can't by our own power, we need to engage a Higher Power (like Amitabha Buddha, Mother Mary/Bodhisattva of Compassion Kwan Yin, other Cosmic Buddhas, God, or who knows) and hitch our train to that.

Hey, and this tulku bodhisattva?

In Mahayana, everyone will be saved eventually because a great Bodhisattva is going to see to it before attaining buddhahood and his own emancipation.

That's the thinking, Alan Watts explains, and that's why Pure Land Buddhism (Nichiren Shōshū) from Japan and China, Imperial Holy Roman Catholicism, Christianity (Jesus freaks), Islam, some New Age teachings...are all so popular. Will it be us doing or other doing?

Christianity as afterthought

Super Friends: Buddha, Krishna, Mo, Yeshua, Aquaman, Moses, Laozi, Joe Smith (South Park)

Misquoting Jesus (Bart Ehrman)

It's funny that those who are adamant that some other power must save us still have a lot for us to do, as if we were saving ourselves.

Christians hypocritically say ONLY Jesus saves -- but to be saved, WE have to ask, repent, plead for the Holy Spirit to take possession of us and live our lives for us as the driver, be born again, get on God the Father's good side, pray and petition for His "grace," which is a "gift" that can only be given and never earned -- as if all the behaving and other stuff weren't work and earning it.

Savior? Now younger, nicer, whiter, easier!

Jeesh, what kind of scam? Most will do all that work and still not get it because their efforts weren't good enough. "Works without faith are dead" or something? "Not by thine own works art thou saved"?

Works (intentional karma, deeds) mean nothing? Clearly, they mean something. But Imperial Christianity (Protestant movements and the worldwide Catholic Church) wants to keep everyone in bondage and call that being "saved."

Compassionate Kwan Yin Bodhisattva

When you're up in heaven singing in a heavenly choir praising the Almighty God of the Universe, the great Creator, the doer, maker, thinker, and power of everything for an eternity, then you'll be happy?

No thanks. who wouldn't rather be a Buddhist, Independent, or New Ager to understand and make our own way to freedom and the end of all suffering (nirvana), to enlightenment in this very life and the deathless (amata)?

• Dhr. Seven, Ashley Wells, Ananda (Dharma Buddhist Meditation), Wisdom Quarterly