Irish whimsy, St. Paddy's Day (jokes, poetry)

Dhr. Seven, Pat Macpherson; Ashley Wells (ed.) Wisdom Quarterly  Saint Patrick's Day 2018

(SNL) What if Ireland were a real place where people dated, frolicked, and science okayed it?

Parson's Nose presents "An Irish Celebration" in Los Angeles (pasadenaweekly.com)

• Well, Podge, it is that day again!
• What day?
• Pádraig's Feast Day, Saint Paddy's!
• Another one, Seven?
• Aye but a wondrous morning on the Emerald Isle, more so in Los Angeles, Boston, and Omaha than in The Land of the Celts, granted, but one that's ever fresh and new.
• Will you tell us a tale then?
• A tale, Podge? Like about Irish-Latino rebel Che Guevara Lynch (as his Irish stamp shows) or The San Patricios: the Irish Heroes of Mexico?
• Who were they?
• A little-known chapter in US-Mexican history is that of El Batallón de los San Patricios or “St. Patrick's Battalion,” a group of Irish who fought alongside the Mexican Army and against the US Army during the Mexican-American War (1846-1848). Latino Rebels | The Soldiers of St. Patrick
• Aye, not history. Come pipe a tune to dance to, lad!
• Well, if you'll translate for the audience.
• To be sure, I'll add the hot links, Seacht!

To a drop of the craythur I was born
a thimble of whiskey, a mash of the corn

Unlike Bushmills a comforting 'board
No room for the cups where the tankards are stored

To a tuber's fine tincture I was turned on
a poteen, a poiton, all mellow and brown

A Liam, a Rhea, a Ryan, a Rip
around a cadaver a sway and a sip

A Pat, a Maria, a Michael, and a Mc
slosh the carcass in a rite Cath'lic rinse

Shillelagh to shake shellac shenanigans
Sheet 'n shout 'n shoot sharp shingles to shush 'em

Unsheathe and shear and bathe sheep in springs
Finn'-Ph'n, friend us again...

• “Finn“?
• Aye, Finnegan.
• Friend, how so?

The great Irish writer James Joyce based his magnum opus, Finnegans Wake, on the Irish ditty "Finnegan's Wake" here performed with lyrics by The Irish Rovers.

Triumph of the Fairies: The Tuatha De Danann or "Peoples of the Goddess Danu"

.

“Finnegan's Awake”
Siddhartha saw samsara end
Revolving Round, spin no more instead
But we pose to our old friend
Come, Finnegan, become again!

What is a wake, to raise the dead?
Then shimmy toss my own two cents!
Shake the spirit and rouse the breath
Come, Finnegan, become again!

Shirley, Shannon, and Shay ahem
Like fiendish Daughters of the F'end
To pull thee from thy 'sorption then
Pale in search of spirits in a pen

Corked and screwed and waxed wick end
Bitter as the grape, Guinness, or grain
I say, I sing, I say again
Come, Finnegan, become again!

Now, Finn, he was a faithful Ph'n,
Phineas with half a head,
Who blew the top to smith' or rent
Come, Finnegan, become again!

Rocket to Murgatroyd

Murgatroyd's rock 't sea in ink
presses on lads whom it hurts to think
liberates the tongue as good as drink
Come, Finnegan, become again!

Wan wolves who wander for crimson drink
Retch and writhe by 'bane beside a splint
Hale men who haggle at Haddock hint
Then writhe and wretch to get a stint

A Shropshire Lad, a filly wink
Bard of Avon, cauldron ingredient
A skinny Finny to feed the fink
Finn-Ph'n, friend us again!

Ne plus ultra naiad and nymph
Dryad, damsel of Dark Forest, minx
Meadow maiden of mirth and myth
Finn-Ph'n, friend us again... and so on.

• When will you be performing it in its entirety, Seacht?
• Ah, Podge, tonight and tomorrow at The Parson's Nose. You and Donal will be there to back me on fiddle and drum?
• We sure will, if only to hear your cheeky jokes!
• Oh, jokes, is it? Would you like to hear one now?
• I think everyone would like to!

Traditional Irish jokes: The Housewife

New York City downplays its illustrious past of anti-Irish racism with a parade (AP)

.

Let me tell you what Seamus and I expect.

One lad married a Welsh gal and said to her, “I expect a warm dinner every night, the laundry done, and the house clean!” He didn't notice any change on the first day. And he didn't notice any change on the second day. But by the third day, there was a warm dinner on the table, the laundry was done, and the house was clean.

 

A second lad married a Scottish gal and said to her, “I expect a hearty lunch, a warm dinner every night, the laundry done, and the house clean!” He didn't notice any change on the first day. And he didn't notice any change on the second day. But by the third day, there was a hearty lunch on the table, a warm dinner, the laundry was done, and the house was clean.
 

You expect me to do what, husband?

A third lad married an Irish gal and said to her, “I expect three warm meals on the table every day, the dishes washed, the laundry done, the house clean, and I don't want any lip!”

He didn't notice any change on the first day. And he didn't notice any change on the second day. But by the third day, the swelling had gone down and he was able to move his arm enough to make himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has trouble when he pees.

• Tell us another!

Who dares to question?

Happily we live obeying all our rules.

A young man, weary of the foolish world, desiring only peace and solitude, decided to retire to an Irish hermitage. On his first day in the monastery, the abbot welcomed him into the great hall. As he entered, he could not believe his eyes: row after row of bald scribes hard at work.
 

“What's happening, Father?”

“We're making copies. We do it all day long!”

“Copies, Father, copies of what?”

“Why, copies of the Bible and the rules, of course!”

“But, Father, where are you making these copies from?”

“From earlier copies, of course.”

“You're making copies of copies from copies?!”

“We do it all day long!”

“But, Father, what if someone were to make a mistake?”

“I don't follow.”

“If someone ever made a mistake transcribing, you'd be copying that mistake over and over!”

“Look, smart guy, why don't you make it your job to check the original?”
 

The library'll help me get to the bottom of this.

“I will,” the young man said, then paid a visit to the monastery's creepy old library. As he arrived, he heard a strange drumbeat, Thump-thump-thump... Hesitantly, he ventured into the dark stacks until he came to a light in the inner sanctum. There he saw an old monk, the librarian, banging his head on a table next to an ancient book.
 

He dashed in and asked, "What is it, Father?!” The old monk stood up, pointed a trembling finger down at the ancient book, and announced: "Look, the original actually says celibrate! Ce-li-brate!!!”

It's a miracle!

Just plain water, officer.

An Irish priest pulls out of the church parking lot and starts swerving down the road. A policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
 
The policeman asks, “Been drinking, Father?”

“Just water,” explains the priest.
 
The cop replies, “Then why do I smell wine?”
 
The priest looks at the bottle and exclaims, “Good Lord! He's done it again!”

The Dead

One morning Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
 
In a panic, he phones his friend O'Carrigan and asks: “Did you see the paper?! They say I died!”
 
His friend replies: “Yes, Seamus, I did see it....So, where ya calling from?”

A last request

After mass one Sunday, a sobbing Biddy Murphy approaches Father O’Grady.
 
He asks, “What’s bothering you, Biddy?”
 
She replies, “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news! My husband, Gilly, he passed away last night!”
 
The priest says, “Oh, Biddy, that is terrible! Did he have any last requests?”
 
“That he did, Father,” she replies. “He said, 'Please, Biddy, put down that damn gun’.”

A new life

Bartender, I'll have three shots of whiskey.

An Irishman wakes up one morning and decides to lead a healthy life. He boards a plane and moves to California. But he soon comes down with a terrible case of homesickness. There's no remedy until someone suggests he find an authentic Irish pub to feel more at home.

He finds one. And as soon as he walks in and smells its wonderful odors, he starts feeling much better. He calls to the bartender at the other side of the room, “Barkeep, three whiskeys!”

The barman pours the shots and brings them over. “Oi, did you order three shots?”

“Aye, I did!”

The barman asks, “Why don't you tell me next time that they're just for you, that way I can put all three in one glass?”

The Irishman replies: “No! I have two brothers at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for each of them.”

“That's a lovely family tradition,” the barman commends. The following week, the Irishman walks in and orders just two whiskeys.
 
The barman brings them. And with a look of concern asks, “Oi, did something happen one of your brothers?”

“No. Why do you ask?” replies the Irishman.

“It's just that last week, you ordered three...did one of your brothers die?”

“Oh no, no! It's just that I've decided to stop drinking!”

Oi vey, public workers!

Two Irishmen were working for the public works department in the park. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
 
After a while, some amazed onlookers said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
 
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

(The Dubliners) "Seven Drunken Nights" animated version of a famous humorous Irish song

Last Days of the Buddha (excerpt)

Sister Vajira, Francis Story, Last Days of the Buddha (DN 16 excerpt); Wisdom Quarterly edit

 
1. Thus have I heard. Once the Buddha [Note 1] was dwelling at Rajagaha, on the hill called Vultures' Peak...
 

The Buddha's Deadly Illness

27. At that time the Buddha spoke to the recluses: "Go now, recluses, and seek dwellings anywhere in the neighborhood of Vesali where you are welcome, among acquaintances and friends. Spend the rainy season there. As for me, I shall spend the rainy season in this very place, the village of Beluva."

  

"So be it, O venerable sir," they replied.

  

28. But when the Buddha had entered upon the rainy season, there arose in him a severe illness, and sharp and deadly pains came upon him. He endured them mindfully, clearly comprehending, and unperturbed.

  

29. Then it occurred to him: "It would not be fitting if I came to my final passing away without addressing those who attended on me, without taking leave of the community of monastics. Then let me suppress this illness by will, resolve to maintain the life process, and live on."

  

30. He did so, and it came about that the Blessed One's illness was allayed.

  

31. The Blessed One recovered from that illness. And soon after his recovery he came out and sat down in the shade of the building on a seat prepared for him. Then Ananda approached the Buddha, respectfully greeted him, and sitting down at one side, said: "Fortunate it is for me, O venerable sir, to see the Blessed One at ease again! Fortunate it is for me, O venerable sir, to see the Blessed One recovered! For truly, sir, when I saw the Blessed One's sickness it was as though my own body became weak as a creeper, everything around became dim to me, and my senses failed me. Yet, sir, I still had some little comfort in the thought that the Blessed One would not come to his final passing away until he had given some last instructions respecting the community of monastics."

  

32. Thus spoke Ananda, but the Buddha answered him, saying: "What more does the community of monastics expect from me, Ananda? I have set forth the Dharma without making any distinction of esoteric and exoteric doctrine [holding nothing back, no secret doctrine]. There is nothing, Ananda, with regard to the teachings that the Tathagata holds to the last with the closed fist of a teacher who keeps some things back.
  
Whosoever may think to lead the community of monastics, or that the community depends on so and so, it is such a person who would have to give last instructions respecting them. But, Ananda, the Tathagata has no such idea as that it is he who should lead the community of monastics, or that the community depends on him. So what instructions should he have to give respecting the community of monastics?

  

"Now I am frail, Ananda, old, aged, far gone in years. This is my eightieth year, and my life is spent. Even as an old cart, Ananda, is held together with much difficulty, so the body of the Tathagata is kept going only with supports. It is, Ananda, only when the Tathagata, disregarding external objects, with the cessation of certain feelings, attains to and abides in the signless concentration of mind [taking no object, no nimitta, no counterpart sign] [19], that his body is more comfortable.

  

33. "Therefore, Ananda, be lamps unto yourselves, guides unto yourselves, seeking no external guides, with the Dharma as your lamp, the Dharma as your guide, seeking no other guide.

  

"And how, Ananda, is one a lamp unto oneself, a guide unto oneself, seeking no external guide, with the Dharma as one's guide, the Dharma as one's guide, seeking no other guide?

  

34. "When one dwells contemplating the body in the body, earnestly, clearly comprehending, and mindfully, after having overcome yearning and dismay with regard to the world, when one dwells contemplating sensations in sensations, the mind in the mind, and mental objects in mental objects, earnestly, clearly comprehending, and mindfully, after having overcome yearning and dismay with regard to the world, then, truly, one is a lamp unto oneself, a guide unto oneself, seeking no external guide, having the Dharma as one's lamp, the Dharma as one's guide, seeking no other guide.

  

35. "Those monastic disciples of mine, Ananda, who now or after I am gone, abide as lamps unto themselves, as guides unto themselves, seeking no other guide, having the Dharma as their lamp and guide, seeking no other guide, it is they who will become the highest [20] if they have the desire to learn."

  

Part Three: Relinquishing the Will to Live

The Blessed One's Prompting

1. Then the Buddha, getting ready in the forenoon, took bowl and robe and went into Vesali for alms. After the alms round and meal, on his return, he spoke to Ananda, saying: "Take up a mat, Ananda, and let us spend the day at the Capala shrine."

  

"So be it, venerable sir." And Ananda took up a mat and followed step by step.

  

2. The Buddha went to the Capala shrine and sat down on the seat prepared for him. And when Ananda had seated himself to one side after he had respectfully saluted, the Buddha said to him: "Pleasant, Ananda, is Vesali; pleasant are the shrines of Udena, Gotamaka, Sattambaka, Bahuputta, Sarandada, and Capala."

  

3. "Whosoever, Ananda, has developed, practiced, employed, strengthened, maintained, scrutinized, and brought to perfection the four bases [constituents] of psychic power could, if he so desired, remain throughout a normal lifespan [kappa] or until the end of it. [21] The Tathagata, Ananda, has done so. Therefore the Tathagata could, if he so desired, remain a lifespan [which at that time was 120 years] or until the end of it."

  

4. But Ananda was unable to grasp the plain suggestion, the significant prompting, given by the Blessed One. As though his mind was influenced by Mara [22], he did not beseech the Buddha: "May the Blessed One remain, O venerable sir! May the Happy One remain, O venerable sir, for a lifespan, for the welfare and happiness of the many, out of compassion for the world, for the benefit, well being, and happiness of devas and humans!"

  

5. When for a second and third time the Buddha repeated his words, Ananda remained silent.

  

6. Then the Buddha said: "Go now, Ananda, and do as seems fit to you."

  

"Even so, venerable sir." And Ananda, rising from his seat, respectfully saluted, and keeping his right side towards him, took his seat under a tree some distance away.

  

Mara's Appeal

7. And when Ananda had gone away, Mara, the Evil One [Namuci], approached the Buddha. And standing to one side he said: "Now, O venerable sir, let the Blessed One come to his final passing away; let the Happy One utterly pass away! The time has come for the final nirvana of the venerable one.

  

"For the Blessed One, O venerable sir, spoke these words to me: 'I shall not come to my final passing away, Evil One, until my monks and nuns, laymen and laywomen, have come to be true disciples -- wise, well disciplined, apt and learned, preservers of the Dharma, living according to the Dharma, abiding by the appropriate conduct, and having learned the Master's word, are able to expound it, preach it, proclaim it, establish it, reveal it, explain it in detail, and make it clear, until, when adverse opinions arise, they shall be able to refute them thoroughly and well, and to preach this convincing and liberating Dharma.' [23]

  

8. "Now, O venerable sir, monks and nuns, laymen and laywomen, have become the Blessed One's disciples in just this way. So, O venerable sir, let the Blessed One come to his final passing away! The time has come for the final nirvana of the Venerable One.

  

"For the Blessed One, O venerable sir, spoke these words to me: 'I shall not come to my final passing away, Evil One, until this supreme life taught by me has become successful, prosperous, far-renowned, popular, and widespread, until it is well proclaimed among devas and humans.' And this too has come to pass in just this way. So, O venerable sir, let the Blessed One come to his final passing away, let the Happy One utterly pass away! The time has come for the final nirvana of the Venerable One."

The Blessed One Relinquishes Will to Live

9. When this was said, the Buddha said to Mara, the Evil One: "Do not trouble yourself, Evil One. Before long the final nirvana of the Tathagata will come about. Three months hence the Tathagata will utterly pass away." More

The Prince and the Dragon Princess

Borobudur.TV, The Bhuridatta Birth Tale (Jataka 543) edited by Wisdom Quarterly

One of many golden figures at Doi Suthep, Chiang Mai, Thailand (_cFu/flickr.com)

"I am a dragon (naga) prince great in power,
invincible with a poisonous breath.
Issuing forth from a prosperous land [planet]
with an angry bite that smites with death;

My mother is Samuddaja,
Dhatarattba is the sire I claim,
Sudassana my youngest brother,
and Bhuridatta is my name."

While dwelling at Savatthi, the Buddha told this story of the past about some layperson who observed the fasting-days.

Now it is said that this laypeople arose early in the morning of a fasting-day, took upon themselves the fasting vows, and gave alms [offerings to spiritual mendicants]. After having their meal, they took perfumes and garlands in their hands, went to Jetavana Grove, and respectfully seated themselves to the side at a time when the Buddha had set to give a discourse on the Dharma.

The Buddha, coming to the Hall of Truth [pavilion], sat down on the adorned Buddha-seat, and looked over the assembly. Now supremely enlightened teachers like to converse with those among their followers or others with a mind to benefit one or more of them with a spiritual quickening.

Therefore, on this occasion, because he knew that a discourse concerning former teachers would arise in connection with the laypeople observing the fasting-day, he asked them:

"O, lay disciples, do you keep the fast-day?"

They replied in the affirmative, and he continued: "This is right and well done by you, O lay disciples. Yet it is no wonder that you who have a teacher like me should keep the fasting-day. Sages of olde who were without any teacher forsook great glory and kept the fasting-day."

Then at their request, the Buddha related this story of the past.

Once upon a time, when Brahmadatta was reigning in Benares, he established the youth as his viceroy. When the king saw his son's great glory, however, he became suspicious that the young man might attempt to seize the kingdom and rule it prematurely. The king therefore instructed his son as follows:

"Depart now and dwell for the time being where you please. When I die you will inherit the kingdom."

Agreeing to his father's wishes, the prince saluted the king, went out, and proceeded to the river Yamuna, where he built a hut of leaves at a pleasant spot located between the river and the sea. There he dwelled, living on roots and fruit [in the manner of an ascetic].

Sea Princess, Dancer of Dreams by Josephine Wall (Bhakti Omwoods/Facebook)

Now at that time there was a young dragon (naga, reptilian, human-hybrid, reptoid, powerful serpent-like) female from the Naga-world beneath the ocean who had lost her husband.

On account of her carnal passions, whenever she saw the happiness of the other sea dragons who had husbands still living, she would leave the Naga-world and wander by the seashore. One day she observed a man's footprints in the sand along the shoreline. After following the tracks she came upon the hut of leaves where the prince was dwelling.

Just then the prince was away, having gone in search of fruit to eat. Curiosity getting the best of her, she entered the hut and saw the wooden bed where the prince slept as well as the rest of the young man's furniture. She then thought to herself:

"This appears to be the dwelling of some ascetic. But is he an ascetic because of his devout faith or not? I shall test him. If he is an ascetic out of faith and bent upon self-purification, well then, he would not be willing to lie on an adorned bed. But if at heart he is a lover of pleasure then he will lie down on the bed I prepare. And if this is the case then I will make him my husband and we will dwell here together!"

After collecting divine flowers [from the reptilian space world where nagas originate] and perfumes from the Naga-world, she went back to the prince's abode, prepared a bed of flowers, scattered perfumed powder about, and further adorned the hut. Then she returned to the Naga-world.

When the prince returned in the evening, he saw what she had done. While munching on the various fruit he had gathered, he wondered aloud: "O, these sweet scented flowers and this bed so pleasantly arranged! Who has prepared this bed?"

As the young man was no ascetic, his heart became filled with pleasure just thinking about how nice his dwelling had become. He happily reclined on the flowers and quickly fell into a deep sleep.

The next day, the prince arose at sunrise and went off in search of food, without taking the time to sweep the hut. When he departed, the female dragon returned and seeing the withered flowers scattered about the bed, she immediately knew what had happened.

"This man is a lover of pleasure," she said, "not an ascetic out of faith! I shall therefore be able to capture him."

After sweeping out the old flowers, she brought in fresh ones and spread them over the bed. Then she adorned the leaf hut, strewed flowers on the covered walkway leading up to it, and once again returned to the Naga-world.

That night the bemused prince once again enjoyed the flowery bed and spent the next morning wondering: "Who is adorning my abode?"

To find out, instead of leaving to gather fruit, he concealed himself nearby. When the dragon lady returned, bringing with her more perfumes and flowers, he was immediately enchanted at the sight of her walking along the covered path leading up to his hut and fell in love with her.

Without letting himself be seen, he entered the hut just as she was preparing to adorn his couch.

"Who are you?" the prince inquired.

"My lord, I am a naga woman," she replied.

"Do you have a husband?" the prince asked.

"I am a widow, lord. What is your name, and where do come from?" she inquired.

"I am Brahmadatta-kumara, the son of the king of Benares. Why do you wander, my dear, leaving the abode of dragons far behind?"

(centraxis.blogspot.com)

The Human World
"My lord, on account of my desire for carnal passion and having seen the happiness of the other naga women who possess husbands, I became discontented. So of late I have been wandering about the human world in search of a husband."

"I am not an ascetic here out of faith," replied the prince. "I came to live here because my father drove me from his kingdom. Well, do not vex yourself, my dear, for I shall be your husband and we will dwell here in concord."

She at once consented. And from that day onward they lived together in harmony. By means of her magic power, she made a magnificent house [or ship] appear, together with a rich bed and spread. And no longer did the prince survive on roots and fruit. Instead he feasted on divine [extraterrestrial] food and drink.

After some time had passed, the prince's reptilian wife conceived a son, whom they named Sagara-Brahmadatta. And as soon as the [hybrid] child was able to walk, the wife brought forth a daughter. Since the girl had been born on the seashore, they called her Samuddaja.

The King is Dead
One day a forester from Benares came upon their splendid dwelling. When the couple emerged to greet him, the man recognized the prince immediately. After staying there a few days, the forester said: "My lord, I will tell the king's family that you are living here."

Back in Benares, the ministers were preparing funeral services for the king, who had just passed away. [This is amazing because through countless Buddhist stories "Brahmadatta was reigning in Benares," which must mean a Brahmadatta was reigning, that is, the dynasty was continuing, not a single super long lived monarch.]

After cremating the monarch, they met together on the seventh day to deliberate the fate of their territory.

"A kingdom without a king cannot stand," they said. "We know not where the prince dwells nor even whether he is alive or dead. We must find him and send for our new king."

Returning to the city, the forester heard the sad news of the king. So he went to the ministers and told them that he had stumbled upon the whereabouts of the king's son. Paying the forester great respect, the ministers accompanied him to the prince's dwelling by the Yamuna.

Engaging the prince in friendly greetings, they informed him that his father had passed away and asked him to assume the throne. The prince thought to himself: "I will learn first what the my dragon princess thinks."

He went up to his wife and said, "Lady, my father is dead, and his ministers have come to raise the royal umbrella over me. Let us go and reign together in Benares, where you shall be the chief among my 16,000 queens."

"My lord, I cannot go," replied his dragon wife sadly.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Dragons possess a deadly poison. Because we become easily displeased over mere trifling matters, what would the anger of a co-wife likely produce? If I ever see or hear anything that disturbs my harmony, I need only cast an angry glance and my poison would instantly scatter like a handful of chaff. Therefore, I cannot go with you."

Sea nymphs, even from serpent lines, can be very beautiful.

The next day, when the prince again asked her to accompany him to Benares, she said: "On no account will I go with you. However, our children are neither fully naga nor fully human. If you love me then you must take them with you and watch over them.

"Because they are of a watery nature [the result of genetic combining] and therefore delicate, they would die if they went by the road, in which case they would bear the twin burdens of wind and sun. So I will hollow out a boat and fill it with water so that you can safely transport them to Benares. And when they have arrived in the city, you must have a lake prepared within the palace precincts so that they may play in the water and not suffer."

Then after saluting the prince and walking round him respectfully, she embraced her children, folded them between her breasts, and kissed them on their heads. After entrusting the children to her husband, shedding many tears, she vanished on the spot and returned to live once again among the nagas.

Overcome with sorrow at the prospect of never seeing her again, the prince cried as he departed. Wiping his eyes, he proceeded to the ministers, who sprinkled him with water to consecrate him saying: "Your majesty, let us go return to the city."

But before they departed, the new king commanded them to hollow out a vessel, put it on a cart, and fill it with water. "Scatter all sorts of flowers of various colors and scents on the surface," he said. "For my children [sons] have a watery nature and they will go along joyfully playing there." The ministers did as they were instructed. More

Buddha Festival: 2,600 years of Buddhism

Images: Dhammakaya, Text: Wisdom Quarterly

The birth of the Bodhisattva, the buddha-to-be, in Lumbini garden on the Indian frontier between 3,000 and 2,600 years ago, exact date unknown.

Vesak: the thrice blessed day because it was on the full moon day of the lunar month of Vesakha (ancient Indian calendar) that the Buddha was born to the Shakyan Queen Maya (apparently, according to Wisdom Quarterly research, a Salabhanjika) under a Sala tree in Lumbini garden, attained supreme enlightenment (which made him a buddha) under a Bo tree in Bodh Gaya ("Enlightenment Grove"), and passed into parinirvana, that is, nirvana without remainder laying down between twin Sala trees.

Siddhartha ("wish fulfilled") Gautama (his family name) became the Buddha of this age and was regarded as a famous karmavadin (teacher of the efficacy and importance of karma) and warrior caste (kshtriya) wandering ascetic opposed to the establish Brahminical tradition that relied on interpretations of sacred scriptures (the Vedas) and elaborate superstitious rituals carried out by a formal priestly caste (brahmins) over direct experience of the Truth. He was a knower and teacher of this world, other worlds, and the pathways leading to all kinds of rebirth. And with his tremendous following, the brahmins were not too happy about it. Much later, Adi Shankara decided to organize and standardize Buddhist-influenced Vedic Brahmanical schools, thereby creating what we recognize today as "Hinduism." Hinduism recognizes the Buddha but does a great disservice to his teaching by honoring him with the title of avatar, relegating him to a mere incarnation of the God Vishnu. The Buddha was not a God, not a deva, not spirit. He was a human who attained the incomparable status of a fully-enlightened teaching buddha. It is one thing, an accomplishment worthy of great praise and honor, to become enlightened. But it altogether an incomprehensible wonder to become a supreme teacher of the path to enlightenment.

The devas ("shining ones," deities, divas, godlings, "angels," Earth-fairies, celestial-beings, bright spirits) rejoiced that the Bodhisattva as King Setaketu chose to consummate his quest for enlightenment by taking his final rebirth as a human being on Earth, Prince Siddhartha Gautama.

The Bodhisattva lived in luxury and splendor in Kapilavastu (either near modern Bamiyan, Afghanistan or in the Terai of Nepal, both of which are in view of the Himalayan foothills) but sensed that things were empty. Suffering (unsatisfactoriness) touched everyone and every endeavor. Touched by the inkling that he had a greater mission, he renounced the throne, the household life, family, and worldly fame. He discarded his fine clothes, cut off his gorgeous hair, and left his family's territory to go East in search of a guru and enlightenment (the final solution to suffering that all beings experience). His mission was not only to become enlightened but to rediscover the path in order to show the way to others; that is the difference between a supremely-enlightened buddha and an arhat ("enlightened individual").

The Bodhisattva's struggle is steeped in lore. His life has been made an allegory to teach the Dharma by way of his example. While the essential facts may have survived, they have been mythologized and elaborated. His five-year struggle with two yogi-gurus to attain the exalted levels of serene meditation they taught are largely left out of the story. What is emphasized instead is his sixth year as he went off on his own, followed by five admirers eager to practice austerities with him. His fierce determination ruined his health and almost led to his death. Insight into the futility of fighting, struggling, and fiercely striving gave way to moderation. He understood that this wonderful body is a vehicle and of great help to reaching the goal. The first foundation of mindfulness, of which there are four, is the body. His mythical battle with internal "demons" is represented as a great offensive by Mara and an army of yakkhas ("demons") representing the psychological defilements we all possess that obstruct clear seeing and liberation.

Taking a balanced approach -- eating well, resting, keeping a regular schedule -- he persisted. He realized that the sublime pleasure born of serenity meditation was not a hindrance but an aid to insight. The defiled mind/heart (contaminated by the hindrances and fetters) cannot free itself. But the heart/mind temporarily freed of these obstructions, if it practices insight-meditation (examining dependently originated nature of unhappiness), can realized the Truth. And it is the Truth that sets one free. While he may have determined to not get up until he found freedom under the Bodhi tree, that resolution was only made after having come so far in his meditation that his mind was now luminous and ready to break through.

• EDITORIAL NOTE: If we practice with that determination, we are sure to fail -- because most of us have not done the preliminary work of cultivating the eight stages of serenity meditation that make the mind malleable, intensified, wieldy, and luminous. But this so often gets left out of the myth of the Buddha's glorious, take-no-prisoners, gung ho charging into battle against temptation. That is no way to win a war, and it is utterly impossible to win the peace this way.

Having attained the goal, the "Sage of the Shakya clan" (Shakya-muni) revered the Bodhi tree, rejoiced in the liberation of mind and liberation of heart through wisdom and virtue. Having found his way out of compassion for others, he was drawn to teach. But he well understood that it would be difficult to show anyone so subtle a Dharma, so non-polemic an answer, to teach the Middle Way. He decided to remain silent. Sakka, King of the Devas, came to ask him to reconsider out of compassion and particularly to help those who had "only a little dust in their eyes" who, with his help, would surely be able to realize the Truth. A brahma named Sahampati immediately came and repeated this entreaty, and the Buddha consented. He set out to teach his five former companions, seeing that his yogi-teachers had by then passed away. As others followed the practice and became enlightened by the practice, the Dharma grew. The Buddha continued to teach throughout the civilized and very spiritually advanced realm called the Rose "Apple Land" in the Middle Country (Jambudvipa, northern India), living mostly in Magadha.

His goal was not only to teach but to establish the teaching, or Dharma, through the ordination of monks, nuns, and male and female lay followers. The Buddha earned the title "the teacher of gods and men," which refers to the fact that he taught both devas and human beings. Devas live on Earth and in many extraterrestrial worlds. He and his disciples visited them, and they visited. In fact, more devas reached enlightenment than humans. (And it seems that in straight numbers, not proportions, more lay followers reached at least the first stage of enlightenment than monastics). The Sangha or "monastic community" grew and overtook the Vedic Brahmanism, the established religious authority. Although it is popularly believed that he did not want to ordain women, in fact, he stated that his Dispensation (sasana) would not be complete until all four types of disciples (male and female monastics and male and female lay followers) existed. Only in this way was the Dharma to have longevity. With the loss of nuns, who seem to have been sabotaged by the sexism prevalent in the world and by conspiracies by monks to undermine and subordinate them, the lifespan of the Dharma was threatened. But finally that segment of the Sangha is again on the rise.

Dhammakaya, Thailand's reawakening annual worldwide candlelight celebration in honor of Vesak. 2011 marks the 2,600th Vesak in Buddhist history. This means that it has been twenty-six centuries since the Buddha sat smiling under the Bodhi tree, having rediscovered the liberating Truth. This celebration takes place every year throughout the world where the Thai Theravada tradition has become established. The Los Angeles branch, perhaps the largest in America, celebrates tonight at 5:00 pm in the foothill city of Azusa.

When the Buddha was Bad: Greedy Jackal

Wisdom Quarterly translation based on an archaic initial translation by H.T. Francis and E.J. Thomas (Jataka 148)

It is easy to think of the Rebirth Tales (Jatakas) as nothing more than children's stories, far fetched fables and parables the Buddha skillfully employed in teaching simple lessons.

Indeed, Aesop's Fables are based on them as they traveled from culture to culture to the delight and edification of many who lost sight or never knew they originated with the Buddha.

But as these videos show, they could very well be based on actual, albeit implausible, events. That they often involve animal communication or admirable characteristics is not to suggest that all animals are capable of higher-order reasoning or communicating. But it does suggest that some are. After all, it's not an ordinary being having these experiences, but a very special one.

THE GREEDY JACKAL GETS CAUGHT

(Buddhist Rebirth Tale 148)
Once upon a time, while Brahmadatta was reigning in Benares, the Bodhisatta [Sanskrit, Bodhisattva] was reborn in the animal realm as a jackal. He lived in a forest alongside the great Ganges river.

At that time an old elephant died by the banks of the Ganges. And the jackal, finding the carcass, congratulated himself for discovering such a great store of rotting meat. [Elephants are pachyderms, which means "thick skin."] He bit the trunk, but it was like biting a plough handle. "There's no eating here," said the jackal and bit at a tusk.

But that was like biting a large bone. Next he tried a flexible ear, but it was like chewing the rim of a winnowing basket. He pounced on the stomach. But he found that as impenetrable as a grain basket.

The feet were no better. They were as tough as a mortar. He tried the tail, but that was like a pestle. "That won't do either," said the jackal.

Having failed everywhere else, he chewed at the rear and found that like eating a soft cake. "At last," he exclaimed, "I've found the right place!'' And he ate his way right into the belly of the great beast. There he made a feast of the kidneys, heart, and other organs, quenching his thirst with blood.

Having got his fill and feeling night come on, he lay down inside. As he rested there, a thought came into the jackal's mind: "This carcass is both meat and house to me; why would I leave it?"

0:26 shows that a carcass can be a home.

So there he settled to dwell in the elephant's innards, eating away. Time wore on until the summer sun and winds dried and shrank the elephant's hide. And the entrance by which the jackal had crawled in closed leaving the interior in utter darkness.

There the jackal found himself, soaked in stench, cloyed, cut off from the world, and confined in the space between worlds. After the hide shrank, the flesh began to wither, and the blood dried up. In a frenzy of despair, he rushed back and forth slamming against his prison walls in a fruitless endeavor to escape.

But as he bobbed excitedly up and down like a ball of rice in a boiling pot, a storm broke out. And the downpour moistened and softened the shell of the carcass. Restoring the entrance, light soon shone in like a star through the fetid canal.

"I'm saved! I'm saved!" cried the jackal. And backing up against the elephant's head, he rushed headlong at the outlet. He struggled and struggled and finally managed to get through, but only by leaving his hair all along the way.

And first he ran from his jail in joy. Then he halted and sat surveying his hairless body, which was now as smooth as a palm stem. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "this misfortune has befallen me because of my greed and my greed alone. From now on, I will not be greedy nor ever again crawl into offensive end of an elephant."

His terror at what had almost happened found expression in the following stanza:

"Once bitten, twice shy.

Ah, great was my fear!

Of elephants' innards

Henceforth will I steer clear!"

With these words the jackal ran off, never again to so much as look at another elephant carcass. [And the moral to the story is:] He was never greedy again.

Do I really need more Money/Love?

TheWorkofBK - (thework.com) Byron Katie examines misconceptions about money.

"I need your love" -- is that true?

"The Honorable Prince" (Jataka Tale)

Buddhist Birth Story (Buddha-images.com) Khandahala/Canda-Kumara Jataka

People come to the prince to mediate their disputes; Sakka destroys the royal umbrellas (buddha-images.com)

In the Kingdom of Pupphavati near Benares, good Prince Canda-Kumara served his father, King Ekaraja, as viceroy. And he became known throughout the realm for his patience and fairness in solving disputes.

In those days, the chief court brahmin priest, named Khandahala, had the ear of the king in all matters, spiritual and temporal. This was unfortunate for the kingdom in general and for Prince Canda in particular.

Khandahala was an unprincipled brahmin priest. An agent for unwholesome forces, he had contrived to be appointed a judge, though he was in no way fair or honest, and was bent on destroying Prince Canda. The prince was the brahmin's natural foe -- for Canda was in fact the Bodhisatta (future buddha) and supported the powers of good in the world.

Now it happened one day that Prince Canda was able to reverse a judgment that Khandahala had made in one case, and thereby restored unjustly seized property to its rightful owners. The news of this good deed spread to the people, and they began to sing the praises of Prince Canda. They called on him continually to act as their mediator.

Eventually the king conferred upon his son the office of judge. Khandahala grew more and more jealous of Prince Canda. He plotted in innumerable ways to get rid of the young prince who had replaced him in the people's affections. He planned revenge he thought would encompass the prince as well as the whole community, which had ceased to pay attention to him.

Before long, he was able to put his scheme into action. One night, King Ekaraja dreamed of a glorious bejeweled heaven populated by celestial beings. When he awoke, he was seized by an overpowering desire to enter this radiant world. More>>

The Killing of Maha Moggallana

Crossroads by Martin Liebermann (c) martin-liebermann.de (Zeitspuren/Flickr.com)

One who does harm with weapons to those who are harmless and should therefore not be harmed will soon come to one or more of these ten consequences (Verse 137):

One will be subject to severe pain, impoverishment, injury to the body (i.e., loss of limbs), serious illness (e.g., leprosy), lunacy, misfortunes following the wrath of a ruler, wrongful and serious accusations, loss of relatives, destruction of wealth, or the loss of home by fire or lightning. After the dissolution of the body, the foolish perpetrator will be reborn in the plane of continuous suffering (niraya) (Vv. 138-140).

The Story of Elder Maha Moggallana
Tipitaka.net (Dhammapada Story, Maha Moggallanatthera Vatthu)

While residing at Jetavana monastery, the Buddha uttered Verses 137-140 of this book with reference to Ven. Maha Moggallana.

Once, the Nigantha [Jain] ascetics planned to have the great chief disciple assassinated. They thought that by doing away with him, the fame and fortune of the Buddha would be diminished. So [it is said] they hired some men to kill Maha Moggallana, age 84, who was then staying at Kalasila near Rajagaha.

The assassins surrounded his quarters. But Maha Moggallana, with his supernormal power [of bodily mastery], escaped through a keyhole and then through the roof. The would-be killers could not get hold of the elder for two months. When the assassins again surrounded him on the third month, Maha Moggallana, recollecting that he had yet to exhaust the woeful karma for an unwholesome deeds done by him during one of his past births, did not exercise his supernormal power.

He was caught. The assassins beat him until his bones were pulverized and left his body for dead in a bush. But the great elder, through his jhanic power, revived himself and went to see the Buddha at Jetavana. When he informed the Buddha that he would soon realize parinirvana (the final passing of an enlightened being) at Kalasila, the Buddha told him to go only after expounding the Dharma to the congregation of monastics, as that would be the last time they would see him. So Maha Moggallana expounded the Dharma and left after paying obeisance seven times to his beloved teacher the Buddha.

The news of Maha Moggallana's passing at the hands of assassins spread like wildfire. King Ajatasattu ordered his men to investigate and apprehend the culprits. The assassins were caught and burned to death.

The monastics felt great sorrow over the death and could not understand why such an exalted personage as a chief disciple of the Buddha should die at the hands of assassins.

The Buddha explained, "Monastics! Considering that Moggallana had lived a noble life in this birth, he should not have met with such a death. But in one of his past births, he had done a great wrong to his own parents, who were both blind: In the beginning, he was a very dutiful son. But after his marriage, his wife began to make trouble and suggested that he should get rid of his parents.

"He took his blind parents in a cart into a forest. And there he killed them by beating them and making them believe that it was some thief who was beating them. For that evil deed he suffered in niraya for a long time. And in this birth, his last, he has died at the hands of assassins. Indeed, by doing wrong to those who should not be wronged, one is sure to suffer for it." Then the Buddha spoke in verse (Dhp. Vv. 137-140).

The Death of Maha Moggallana in detail
Hellmuth Hecker (information gathered from various canonical sources)

The Buddha, surrounded by many of his disciples, passed away peacefully during a series of meditative absorptions, which he entered with perfect mastery. Sariputra's death in his parental home, likewise with his disciples in attendance, was similarly serene, though...he had been ill before his end. Ananda died at the age of 120, before which he entered with meditative skill the fire element so that his body vanished in a blaze, as he did not wish to burden anyone by his funeral.

Considering the serene death of the Buddha and these two disciples, one would have expected that, in the case of Maha Moggallana too, the final dissolution of the body at death would take place in external circumstances of a similarly peaceful nature. But in Moggallana's case it was very different, though the gruesome nature of his death did not shake his firm and serene mind.

He passed away two weeks after his friend Sariputra, on the new moon day of the month Kattika (October/November). The Great Demise of the Buddha took place in the full-moon night of the month Vesakha (May), six months after the death of his two chief male disciples. The Buddha was in his 80th year when he passed away, while both Sariputra and Maha Moggallana died at 84. These were the circumstances of Moggallana's death.

After the death of Nathaputta [Mahavira, the founder of Jainism], the leader of the ascetic Order of the Jains [Note 10], there arose among the Jains bitter contentions about his teaching, and consequently there was a loss of devoted adherents and of support. The Jains had also learned what Moggallana reported from his celestial travels: that virtuous devotees of the Buddha were seen to have a heavenly rebirth, while followers of other sects lacking moral conduct, had fallen into miserable, subhuman states of existence. This, too, contributed to the decline in the reputation of other sects, including the Jains.

Particularly the very lowest type of Jains in Magadha were so enraged about that loss of public esteem and support that they wanted to get rid of Maha Moggallana. Without investigating the causes in themselves, they projected blame externally and concentrated their envy and hate on Maha Moggallana. Hesitating to commit murder themselves, they conceived another plan. Even in those days there were professional criminals ready to kill for a fee. There are always unscrupulous men willing to do anything for money. So some wrong-minded Jains hired such a gang and ordered them to kill Maha Moggallana.

At that time, Maha Moggallana lived alone in a forest hut at Kalasila. After his encounter with Mara [MN 50] he knew that the end of his days was near. Having enjoyed the bliss of liberation, he now felt the body to be just an obstruction and burden. Hence he had no desire to make use of his faculties and keep the body alive for the rest of the [kappa, the life expectancy, which was then 120]. Yet, when he saw the assassins approaching, he just absented himself by using his supernormal powers. The gangsters arrived at an empty hut, and though they searched everywhere, they could not find him.

They left disappointed but returned on the following day. On six consecutive days Maha Moggallana escaped from them in the same way. His motivation was not the protection of his own body, but saving them from the fearsome karmic consequences of such a murderous deed, necessarily leading to rebirth in the dismalest of hells. He wanted to spare them such a fate by giving them time to reconsider and abstain from their crime.

But their greed for the promised money was so great that they persisted and returned even on the seventh day. Their persistence was "rewarded," for on that seventh day Maha Moggallana suddenly lost the magic control over his body. A heinous deed committed in days long past (by causing the death of his own parents) had not yet been expiated, and the ripening of that old karma confronted him now, just as others are suddenly confronted by a grave illness.

Maha Moggallana realized that he was now unable to escape. The assassins entered, knocked him down, smashed all his limbs, and left him lying in his blood. Being keen on quickly getting their reward and also somewhat ill as ease about their dastardly deed, they left at once, without a further look.

But Mah Moggallana's great physical and mental strength was such that his vital energies had not yet succumbed. He regained consciousness and was able to drag himself to the Buddha. There, in the Buddha's presence...at the source of the deepest peace, Maha Moggallana breathed his last (Jat. 522E). The inner peace in which he dwelt since he attained to sainthood never left him. It did not leave him even in the last seven days of his life, which had been so turbulent. But the threat of doom was only external.

This is the way of those who are finally "healed" and holy and are in control of the mind. Whatever karma of the past had been able to produce a result in his present life, nevertheless, it could affect only his body, but no longer "him," because "he" no longer identified himself with anything existing only impermanently. This last episode of Maha Moggallana's life, however, showed that the law of moral causality (karma) has even greater power than the supernormal feats of this master of magic. Only a Buddha can control the karmic consequences acting upon his body to such an extent that nothing might cause his premature death.

Sariputra and Maha Moggallana were such wonderful disciples that the Buddha said the assembly of monastis appeared empty to him after their death. It was marvelous, he said, that such an excellent pair of disciples existed. But it was marvelous, too, that, in spite of their excellence, there was no grief, no lamentation on the part of the Buddha, when the two had passed away [Note 11].

• The Life of Maha Moggallana