Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Death Begins at 30 (reflections)

Is Jenny McCarthy enough to field TV offers and another Playboy cover at 39? (mix969.com)
But Life Soon Resumes
Cartman to Maury: "I do what I want!"
REFLECTIONS ON TURNING 30 I grew up on the lyrics, "Live fast, die young" and the idea "Never trust anyone over 30." I was an "adult" at 15 -- when I became active, as free as Cartman on Maury Povich to do what I want, and I thought I knew it all (or all I was ever going to need to know).
Childhood in the United States now extends until at least 26, when insurance companies force us off our parents' plan. And school takes so long, racking up lifelong debt. There I was 27 and finished in one sense but going nowhere fast in another. Maybe I should have compared myself to Jenny McCarthy rather than the ever rotating crop of girls on the beach.
Meditation had gone well, while most everyone much older was still struggling. I finished college, but the possibility of grad school loomed. It is an option if I am willing to re-interpret "debt" to mean "investment."
Comparing to every batch of un-aging bathers
What was I to do? I burned a bridge. I pulled out all the stops. I hit the Improbability Drive button and landed somewhere nice, still standing, perfectly safe in my attainment. The Heart Sutra says the Perfection of Wisdom "is the great spell (mantra), the spell of great knowledge, the utmost spell, the unequalled spell, allayer of all suffering, in truth -- for what could go wrong?" It's true. What could go wrong?
Morning came. My 30th birthday. I took the day off. Midweek. I eat right, having taken all the hidden sugar and stimulants out. Evening came. And in the cave of the mind/heart everything was still all right. But outside, "I disconnect." How Scandinavian of me. Communication:

For those who have seen the goal and applied themselves,
For those diligent and mindful rooted in virtue,
For those led by worthy guides...

I owe my life to the Dharma, the Buddha, and the Noble Sangha. And others say I look as beautiful as I ever did. The whole board is moving. I had imagined that everyone would stay young and I alone would walk the Trail of Tears under a ravaging sun. But we were all marching. The board along with the other pieces I was comparing myself to were moving. All of us were moving to dissolution, hurtling towards destruction, the impermanence inherent in all things.
Am I over the hill yet?
We were all marching. Sakka, the Deva King, was throwing another party. The Immaterial Sphere was quiet. And ghosts among us were going hungry. I could see them if I wanted.
I'll get 364 more sunrises to wake up three-decades-old on the planet, having died young and left a pretty corpse as useless as a log the last time I was here.

I have my baby. I have this diamond. I have my perfect hubby. I have these business cards. And from here to the End, I'll always have the Dharma. Maybe 30 is pretty good with 69 more years to go if Bhumi (Gaia) is kept healthy enough to have an operating ecosystem. Now there are no more excuses. I'm all grown up, codependent no more. I'll be a "Hunter."

If travel is searching
And home what's been found
I'm not stopping

I'm going hunting, I'm the hunter
I'll bring back the goods
But i don't know when

I thought I could organize freedom
How Scandinavian of me
You sussed it out, didn't you?

You could smell it
So you left me on my own
To complete the mission
Now, I'm leaving it all behind...
"Do You Know Where You're Going To?" (Diana Ross "Mahogany" theme)  

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