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The Buddha on friendship
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| I'll be your friend. - Really? - No, I'm busy. |
Not that a Kennedy isn't a great source of information on friendship, it's just that the ancient historical Buddha had a few things to say on that subject.
Noble friendship
The most famous thing he said about metta (Sanskrit maitri, "friendliness" or "loving kindness") was said in regard to noble friendship, or thinking kind and friendly thoughts toward noble ones. Who are the noble ones? They are those on the stages of enlightenment (bodhi, awakening).
They are guides and resources for us on the Path to the ultimate end of suffering that is called nirvana, complete liberation from all kinds of rebirth and suffering.
One day his famous and beloved attendant, Ananda, had an idea from things he had observed in the Monastic Community (Sangha). He saw how some enlightened persons were very friendly to others, and those others in turn advanced very quickly to the goal of liberation.
So, thinking he had a clever observation to make, he approached the Buddha and respectfully said: "It seems to me that noble friendship is half the spiritual life!"
The Buddha condemned this, saying: "Do not say so, Ananda, do not say so. Noble friendship is 100 percent of the spiritual life." Far from actually condemning what great Ananda had said, the Buddha asked him to intensify it, to proclaim just how valuable noble friendship is.
He goes on to explain WHY it's so valuable and important on the road to enlightenment. Because of friendliness, respect, and wise association, we approach enlightened people. And on account of approaching we give ear and hear the Dharma (the Buddha's Teaching of the Path to enlightenment).
We bear it in mind, practice it, see it modelled for us. And of all our noble friends in the world, the Buddha is the greatest noble friend (kalyana mitta). Why?
It is because he set rolling the Teaching, made known the Path, articulated the Dharma for everyone since then to practice and reach the goal. In that sense, he our best friend even if he is not here to thank. However, he did say there was a way to thank him, to honor him in the highest way. Worship? Sacrfice? Donations? No, no, and no.
He said he is paid the highest honor when someone puts into PRACTICE this Teaching he strived for so many years (45) and so many lifetimes (countless) to uncover and bring forth into the world again as "supremely-enlightened" or samma-sam-buddhas do.
What about normal friendship?
Did the Buddha have anything to say about regular things (you know, ordinary friendship, feelings, fangirls, and fitting in)? Yes!
In
one long sutra (DN 31), a discourse called the "Advice to Householders" (
Sigalovada Sutta), the Buddha talks about two kinds of "
friends," the good friend and the bad friend.
- He talks about making money, getting rich, having a family, a good marriage, a well-organized house, fun, entertainment, and all sorts of things few would guess he knew anything about.
We all love the "bad friend," who is willing to do all sorts of bad things with us -- gambling, getting drunk/high, whoring around, going out to concerts and endless entertainments, and all sorts of legal troubles. How do we recognize people like this? There's a hidden danger to such people -- all they borrow and take, the crud they talk about us behind our backs, the trouble they get us in, the way the encourage our worst traits.
He talks about the "good friend," who protect us, help us, speak well of us, introduce us to and encourage good and useful things, accompany us in good stuff...the sort of people we usually take for granted, quiet and humble, having our backs when we need help or to borrow something. They're not like those two-faced jerks abusing the term "friend."
- In fact, some people might say the Buddha had more to teach ordinary worldly people (householders who just want money, love, a house, a relationship, kids, and all that weight) than he did the people with spiritual aspirations.
It's as if people think spiritual types (holy rollers) should just all ordain and become monastics, hermits, wandering ascetics, and spiritual nomads.
They can. But no one needs to do that. Every and anyone can practice right where one is. Just determine a goal: a better human rebirth, rebirth in one of the many heavens, the end of all rebirths, full enlightenment here and now in this very life... the first stage of enlightenment ("stream entry") with at most only seven (7) more lives to go....
Once that goal is determined, the rest is easy. There's a teaching for that in the Buddha's Dharma. What a friend the Buddha was to all living beings.
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