|We don't have cowboys, but sheepboys.|
(Read aloud with an Irish accent).The great writers of Ireland are almost too numerous to mention. Joyce, Wilde, Beckett, it goes on and on. But near the top of the list is William Butler Yeats. A scholar, a Senator, playwright, occultist, poet, and founder, with Lady Gregory, of the Abbey Theater in Dublin.
Oscar Wilde's mum
When it was blighted, so were its dependents. One of its characteristics was that the potato itself looked healthy until it was harvested. Then the black, empty core became apparent as it crumbled to the touch. Millions of Irish went starving.
Men, women, and children wailed until their voices grew silent. After roaming the countryside for better conditions, failing bodies were heaped in ditches along roadsides that served as mass graves. England offered no relief for "The Irish Problem" they caused.
The Irishman fetched a bottle of Jameson’s and handed it to the Englishman, who removed the top and hefting the bottle cried, “May the English and the Irish live forever in peace!” He then took a hearty swallow, draining half the bottle before offering some to the Irishman. “Oh, no thanks,” the Irishman says, “I’ll just wait for the police.”
MAKE A WISH
A married couple in their 60s are visited by a fairy who grants them each a wish.
“I want to travel around the world with my darlin' husband,” says the wife. “Then I want to live in a luxurious holiday home in Kerry.” Just then two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand, along with a set of new keys.
The husband says, “Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.” The fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.
A married couple has their baby delivered at the National Maternity Hospital in Dublin, known all over Europe for its medical advances.
Upon their arrival, the doctor says he’s invented a new machine that'll transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asks if they might be willing to try it out. They're both very much in favor of it.
The doctor sets the pain transfer to 10%, explaining that even 10% is probably more pain than the father has ever experienced. However, as the labor progresses, the husband feels fine and tells the doctor to "go ahead and kick it up a notch.”
The doctor adjusts the machine to 20%. The husband is still feeling fine. They decide to try for 50%. The husband continues to feel well, and since the transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encourages the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
The wife delivers a healthy baby boy. She and her husband are ecstatic. When they get home, the milkman is dead in their driveway.
He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“And if you don’t mind me asking, ma'am, what do you use it for?”
“Oh, we use it for marital relations.”
The researcher is taken aback. “Well now, I do admire your honesty. Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a bicycle chain, or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know most do use it for marital relations. Would you mind telling me exactly how?”
“Not at all. We put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.”
BAND-AID FOR A BOOBOO
Flaherty staggered home very late after drinking with Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs, but misjudged the bottom step. He caught himself by grabbing the banister, but landed on his rump and broke a whiskey bottle in each hip pocket.
He looked in the hall mirror to see his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to find a box of band-aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. Then he stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, he woke up with Kathleen standing over him.
“You were drunk again last night weren't you?”
“Why would you say such a mean thing?”
“Well it could be the open front door. It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs. It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house. But mostly, it's all the band-aids stuck on the hall mirror!”
THE IRISH TEST TAKER
“Please show me, if you can, a clever way to make this into nine.” After thinking a bit, O’Hara draws a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines and hands the paper back.
The interviewer looks at the drawing and says, “But that’s not nine.”
“Oh ya,” says O’Hara, “Tree plus tree plus tree make nine.”
The interviewer hands back the paper. “Hmm. But can you make it 99? O’Hara scribbles up and down the trunks. The interviewer looked at the drawing, “But that’s not ninety-nine.”
“Oh ya,” says the Irishman, “Dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree make 99.”
The interviewer was now steamed. He hands the paper back, “But can you make it 100?”
O’Hara grabs the pencil and draws a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each and hands it back, “Dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, make a 100. When do I report, sir?”
MY WIFE IS GOING DEAF
Kevin fears his wife Mary isn’t hearing as well as she used to and might be needing a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he calls the family doctor.
The doctor tells him, "There’s a simple test you can do at home: Stand 40 feet away and in a normal, conversational tone, see if she hears you. If not, go 30 feet, and then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
Later when Kevin gets home from the pub, he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner. He thinks, “I’m about 40 feet away. Let’s see what happens.” In a normal tone he asks, “Mary, my love, what’s for dinner?” No response.
He moves closer until he's 30 feet. “ Mary. What’s for dinner? I say!” Still no response.
He moves closer. "Mary, can ye be tellin’ me what the hell’s for dinner?!” Still nothing.
He goes right up to her, “Mary, Mary! Can ya' friggin be telling me what the hell’s for dinner?!"
She yells, “For feck’s sakes, Mr. Kevin O'Donahue, and for the fifth time...potatoes!”
MY HUSBAND DIED
“Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
“Oh, Mary, that’s terrible! Did he have a last request?”
"He did, Father. He asked, ‘Mary, will you put down that gun?'”
AN IRISH WIFE
|All I said was I order you to clean the house...|
The Parting Glass
|There is a God! Molest and pray for delay.|
A comic adaptation of Shakespeare's Cymbeline by Lance Davis runs from May 9 to 31, 2020. Preview show: May 8 (pay what you will). This comic fairy tale is for adults. Rustic, medieval England. A stubborn king, a wicked queen, and her brutish son. Brave and lovely Imogen, disguised as a boy, sets out into the Welsh wilderness to meet her banished lover. An often overlooked classic brought into PNT’s comic spotlight.
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